Response
Response #
79
Person who died
Husband
Category
Past experience of grief
Respondent details
55-64 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My Husband
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
Tearful, lonely, loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, feeling lost without him.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
I had a good network of family and friends who supported me and who kept in touch, called me and visited me. Just generally making sure I was ok or kept me company if I needed it. Eventually some of that contact diminished after a little while, but mainly with friends who weren’t especially close.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
Not particularly. As the diagnosis was terminal for the last 2 years, there was an element of acceptance of the inevitable, although it was still very difficult for me at the end.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
No.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
Not really. I was probably more anxious than normal but I just put that down to the rawness of grief and tried to just take one day at a time...if it was a bad day, then I just went with it. Tomorrow was another day. One day at a time was my mantra.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
I had 4 weeks off work after my husband passed away, that was covered by a sick note from my GP. I needed this to help me adjust to life itself after losing my soulmate, and deal with the funeral arrangement, paperwork and generally reach a level of acceptance of the finality I was facing.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
Yes it did. Once the initial rawness had passed, I began to feel more able to face the future. Having love and support from my close family and friends helped me with the process of getting back to a more normal existence and to re-start socialising a little, going back to the gym etc.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
In the very beginning, I did sometimes expect my husband to walk back through the door, but then reality dawned that he wouldn’t be doing. Those thoughts made me tearful, and made the raw grief come flooding back. After time, those thoughts stopped.
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
Yes. Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries, births of my four grandchildren, my daughter's wedding day are all occasions when I’m really aware of my husband's absence. Visiting places home or abroad where we shared holidays together also make me wish he were still here to share these places with.
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
Yes I have. On a couple of occasions, I have felt him hold me and speak to me whilst in bed. I’m not sure whether it was a dream or not, but I don’t think it was. The experience made me feel comforted and calm.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
Sometimes I do. I think of him if I’m needing guidance and speak aloud to him to ask for that guidance...things then become clearer. I’ve lost/misplaced things and asked for his help, then sometimes those things have just turned up.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I kept his car for a number of years as I didn’t feel I could let it go...he loved that car!
I have since sold the car when the time felt right.
I also sold our family home and gave away his clothes to charity after having kept hold of them for 7 years.
I still have his aftershave and so I smell it from time to time. It was a scent he used for many years and just conjures him up. It brings me warmth and comfort to smell it.
I have since sold the car when the time felt right.
I also sold our family home and gave away his clothes to charity after having kept hold of them for 7 years.
I still have his aftershave and so I smell it from time to time. It was a scent he used for many years and just conjures him up. It brings me warmth and comfort to smell it.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
No there isn’t.
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
Talking about my husband, reminiscing about the wonderful man he was, and just keeping his memory alive helped me through and made things seem better. I needed to talk about him in a positive way.
Listening to certain music and looking at photographs are things I did do as I wanted to, but that did make me feel worse sometimes. Certain songs still make me cry. Talking about the end stage of his life is still painful for me, even now, and it’s 9 years ago. I don’t think I will ever forget losing him in such an awful way.
Listening to certain music and looking at photographs are things I did do as I wanted to, but that did make me feel worse sometimes. Certain songs still make me cry. Talking about the end stage of his life is still painful for me, even now, and it’s 9 years ago. I don’t think I will ever forget losing him in such an awful way.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
Most people were very understanding and were sympathetic and helpful. One friend kept telling me to “stay strong“ which I did find annoying as I wasn’t being weak, I was grieving. I do think that it’s something we have to actually go through personally in order to appreciate how much it really feels.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I can honestly say I empathise with other people having gone through, or indeed going through, bereavement. I do feel I am able to offer good sound advice and support now to anyone needing it. And I have done so on a few occasions since I’ve lost my husband.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
I think grief over the death of a person is the worst grief of all...I haven’t particularly experienced any other loss that would affect me to such a great extent.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
No.
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
I was really frightened of seeing my husband deteriorate so much with cancer, he was only 51 when he passed away, and I wasn’t prepared for the enormity of how ill he would become and the pain he would be in and how much he would waste away. I did feel helpless. I felt scared of anything horrible happening when I was alone with him. I have wondered why I felt so scared of the man I loved with all my heart, but I now think it was the cancer I was scared of. My Mum died of cancer, I had the same feelings seeing her suffer too, which in turn brought back the memories of my husband’s suffering. I almost felt a sense of relief when their suffering ended. I hope that makes sense.