Response

I felt anger toward others, older and unfit and screamed inside why not them, why my husband, I had a real sense of unfairness. Also, other things, moans, groans of others felt trivial, they still do actually. If I saw a couple arguing I wanted to scream at them, make each day count, tomorrow is not guaranteed.
I'm not certain the first year I was really present in the world, merely a bystander watching it play out around me. It was sadder too. I was emotional about things that previously hadn't affected me. A girly flick or a news story.

Yes, carpe diem!! I spend my money estate on holidays, adventures. Time with my family and good friends, more than I ever did before. I also ensured my affairs were in order as my husband died interstate.

As previously mentioned, physically I had a terrible reaction and if stressed now it does return, when I had never experienced anything like it before.

I returned to work after 3 months as urged to by my family. I didn't really want to. In truth I was an observer/passenger not effective or functioning for I would suggest a good year. Even then, I struggled to see the benefit of it (other than financially). In retrospect it provided me structure, and a focus. I also had a fog and it was called widow brain I was advised. Couldn't retain or focus long on anything. I would often break down while doing mundane housework tasks, but would talk myself into getting up and carrying on. Weekends I hid away and was hermit like. In jogging clothes most of the time. My sons made reference to it and they continually made attempts to get me out for lunch etc.

It is 6 years this year. Memorable dates are now remembered by only me and the children. I feel a sadness on them and try to ensure I am busy so as to not be hijacked by emotions in public. I grieve for my lost future, our retirement together, the plans we had and lost. My first son is getting married this year, such a special, happy time, but I am sad that he will not be here loving the organising, planning and event. I'm truly sad I am going alone and he won't do a speech. I will struggle emotionally, I am certain and at points dreaded the whole conversations around table seating etc. I have learnt to walk alongside my loss. It never leaves you. The emotion isn't the visceral gut wrenching stuff in the pit of the stomach any longer. It is small things that make you smile remembering the person or conversely sad they won't see another sunset, beautiful nature. Fabulous places and wonderful people.

I have had several experiences of seeing him. First occasion not long after he passed, he was sat next to me on the sofa! It was real as his last evening sat by me. I was physically sick after, fear/loss. Another occasion in the town, getting into a car, was absolutely the spitting image of him, it makes me catch my breath and palpitations.
Often he appears in my dreams and I awake sweaty, breathing heaving, and feel sadness Most recent I'm sure he walked passed the end of my drive, so much so I chased after, it wasn't him of course.
I have never looked for him. I suppose having tried to revive him he was no longer here in body.

In my bed. I still struggle. I have 2 pillows laying in his place and lean against them with my back so it doesn't feel so empty, even to this day. Being solo is so uncomfortable at all events. Walking in alone, being an odd number on the table. People do avoid you. Carrying, lifting, DIY, all things he was better at than I and I guess I looked to him to do. I sold my hold within 9 months and moved as unable to lose the last images of his time here, and when I return to the area for work if visiting customers that way, it hurts remembering the walks we took, the little pub we visited, none of which I have returned to.

Yes as above the sofa occasion was most definitely his presence/ aura however it is described. Almost checking in on me but so real. I almost forgot he had passed away.

I talk to him. I say, you would love this Mr S or you would be so embarrassed with me, etc. I recently had my wedding /engagement and half eternity rings made into one and my son is having my husband's ring for his wedding we resized it. It helps me keep that connection on a different level.

Every memorable date I recognise, in the early days with my sons , focused on eating his favourite meal or drinking his favourite coffee. We had a memory tree and wrote our fondest memories. We even on one anniversary played all his playlists! Now though it is just me, thinking of him raising a glass in his name. Putting a tribute on Facebook etc. never wish to forget him I adored him. I miss his wacky humour and energy and of course love.

I try keep busy. I make plans on the day. I work for a charity, joined a widow group and walk, a lot.

I walked in the early days. A lot, miles and miles if not suffering IBS symptoms and effects. I do that now if I feel my resilience drop or under additional pressure at work. I lost a son many years ago and this helped then I guess it has always been a strategy for me. I also have a treadmill so jump on there too.
I try to maintain a positive mindset, and talk myself from sad to being grateful, counting my blessings. Helping others in my charity work really supports this too.
I also have to ensure I get rest. I can't be busy 24/7 because again my resilience drops and I feel I am not coping so make space to just do nothing most weekday evenings and some weekends after my chores. Relaxing with a movie, food from M&S

Work were terrible at it, I recall. Quarterly review and female boss, happily married who had moved over after a couple of months in my return. No concession for the loss and its impact this would be around the 6 month mark. She also suggested we have a Christmas party with Partners, all previous years had been employees only.
On a holiday in Mexico around 10 months after with a friend, wedding parties were arriving and getting married. My friend kept making reference to how beautiful, they were etc. I asked if we couldn't talk about them and she actually said "don't be so miserable" people referring to loss of my spouse in the same vein as their aunts, uncle, mother in law, pets!! It's not a competition but losing a spouse is the hardest loss I have experienced as every fibre of your being/world is impacted.

Initially I lost all confidence. Slowly some has returned, I don't think it will ever fully be the same as I don't feel whole. I am more empathetic and emotional than I was before. Worry more, about finances and the future alone, and don't want to be a burden on my boys.

I have lost a son, my father passed away 9 months before my husband ,my mother several years before. I have lost pets too.
The most raw grief through shock and that of a spouse has been the worst. Because as mentioned it affects every fibre of my being, my future has been lost with him and all our plans, I have had to create a new normal for a solo journey.

I love learning and a big google person. The grief cycle helped me to understand a lot of my own phases. In the second year I became inquisitive to understand self help, as the second year felt harder. In reality it was that I was moving from phase to phase, albeit slowly. And the reality of being widowed