Response

Response #

Person who died

Husband

Category

Current experience of grief

Respondent details

55-64 | Female | British

Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?

He was my husband

Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?

It affected my sleep and still does sometimes. I can't settle and switch off, I have trouble seeing the point in existence, I lack interest in many things, did avoid being home at first but that improved although I often sit in the car before coming into the house, I tend not to go to bed until very late.

Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?

A lot of friends backed away, even best friends, you don't fit into the group anymore? It hurts but I discovered through a bereavement group that it isn't me, it seems quite widespread. I worry more about family and friends than before, although I worry far less about my own death

Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?

Feel not part of it at times. Life is what other people have

Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?

Have to remind myself each morning what day it is

Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?

It's a feeling you can't really describe, a downward heavy drag

Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?

Yes

Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?

The initial crashing overwhelming wave have subsided, I no longer feel guilty when I laugh or have fun

Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?

Yes

Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?

Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, bonfire night seeing couples anywhere doing anything together, thinking about holidays, weekends when we might have just done simple things together

Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?

Yes, I heard him tell me he loved me and I saw his head on the pillow by mine when that happened, I have had tv switch on, I have felt a cool stream of air cross the room, doors have opened and yes I have spoken with him

Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?

We were together from our mid teens, many things connect us, whoever I am now it is due to the us we were

Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?

Nothing special

Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?

No he would truly be lost if we didn't remember him and celebrate him and talk about him acknowledge the things we as a family may do or experience that he would have enjoyed

Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?

Talking with other bereaved people freely in Facebook groups, reading of their experiences and realising that you are not (for example) going mad

Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?

Generally the people we knew were quite dismissive, I have been told not to wallow, someone even said once they are dead they are just meat! So you make new friends with people you meet through bereavement groups because collectively "we get IT"

Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?

I am less tolerant of stupidity or thoughtless people, cross me and I will be assertive.

Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?

I have lost various people in my life but the loss of a partner has been vastly different possibly because it is ever present in your life??

Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?

Feelings/emotions

Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?

There was guilt and anger in huge amounts and scratch lightly and they are still there: did I do everything I could have done to prevent his death, did I do something that caused or hastened it by deed or omission