Response
Response #
76
Person who died
Husband
Category
Past experience of grief
Respondent details
55-64 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My husband
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
3
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
I didn't have a good relationship with the landlady of the flat, an unpleasant and uncaring person who made it clear she wanted the flat back for a couple and I was hurt when someone I considered a good friend said I would: 'Know what it's like for pensioners now' - my husband had BEEN a pensioner and the two of us had lived the last 2 years on his state pension, plus an allowance for me as a dependent! That ended when F died and I was left financially destitute with £23 to pay everything after making up my private rent!
I was hurt that another friend who had always been supportive rarely phoned (we've made up since) and I found some of my mum's remarks hard to take, like saying she had hated the way F 'fussed' when she and my stepdad visited us at the guest-house we then had on lease - mum, the one with Olympic Gold for fussing over visitors! As I tried to tell others later, we (the widowed) are the ones who have to make all the allowances: no-one makes them for us and everyone wants us to 'bounce back' and things be 'back to normal, now' when they never can be as once they were! F taught me to laugh at all life's absurdities and stupidities and so I have gone on doing just that. It was interesting to be described as 'needy' and 'not coping very well' by the ... Uni tutor who ran the ... 'Nursing' course, a course that was cancelled twice at short notice and went ahead with very little notice in November. I still remember straining to get a graph to fit into my university essay on the Human Biology Module (I'd signed up for three more as a back-up) and just managed to send before a taxi came to get me to the train station and head off into the unknown. Thank goodness I was able to find a room for the night and then a friend, the next day when the course began - in [a town] (I'd moved to [a different town] assuming it was there!) who put me up for the duration.
I made new friends, through the university and through Way Up, created by a lovely lady named J to help us over-50s get back to socialising. There are few experiences as soul -destroying as the having to wear a mask to spare the feelings of those yet to be widowed - other people, we soon learn, cannot cope with our grief. At a Way Up 'Meet' I could laugh when I wanted to, cry when I needed to, be myself, my new self, no pretence of being the old me! I made friends online and in person and I am STILL a member after joining in early 2011, around the time I dropped out of the course with [a university]. The online forum showed me that I was actually running about average (Counsellors now acknowledge it takes at least TWO YEARS to be anything like the person we once were) and a book, Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life, which I came across on a university module, gave me the academic perspective.
Some friendships have ended, a couple have been renewed, the older ones are treasured but so are the new. I gained my BSc Hons after just over three years, whilst working long hours in support work and I sensed some jealousy, even resentment, from some colleagues and acquaintances, though others, inspired by my returning to study in my 50s, also signed up with the university in my wake. My manager, supportive over a difficult issue, nevertheless felt I was making a mistake by leaving the job and [place name] but here I am, still standing, having been here for my mum and now for my (rather young but disabled) stepdad - truly amazing how many people thought they knew better than I did what I should be doing!
I was hurt that another friend who had always been supportive rarely phoned (we've made up since) and I found some of my mum's remarks hard to take, like saying she had hated the way F 'fussed' when she and my stepdad visited us at the guest-house we then had on lease - mum, the one with Olympic Gold for fussing over visitors! As I tried to tell others later, we (the widowed) are the ones who have to make all the allowances: no-one makes them for us and everyone wants us to 'bounce back' and things be 'back to normal, now' when they never can be as once they were! F taught me to laugh at all life's absurdities and stupidities and so I have gone on doing just that. It was interesting to be described as 'needy' and 'not coping very well' by the ... Uni tutor who ran the ... 'Nursing' course, a course that was cancelled twice at short notice and went ahead with very little notice in November. I still remember straining to get a graph to fit into my university essay on the Human Biology Module (I'd signed up for three more as a back-up) and just managed to send before a taxi came to get me to the train station and head off into the unknown. Thank goodness I was able to find a room for the night and then a friend, the next day when the course began - in [a town] (I'd moved to [a different town] assuming it was there!) who put me up for the duration.
I made new friends, through the university and through Way Up, created by a lovely lady named J to help us over-50s get back to socialising. There are few experiences as soul -destroying as the having to wear a mask to spare the feelings of those yet to be widowed - other people, we soon learn, cannot cope with our grief. At a Way Up 'Meet' I could laugh when I wanted to, cry when I needed to, be myself, my new self, no pretence of being the old me! I made friends online and in person and I am STILL a member after joining in early 2011, around the time I dropped out of the course with [a university]. The online forum showed me that I was actually running about average (Counsellors now acknowledge it takes at least TWO YEARS to be anything like the person we once were) and a book, Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life, which I came across on a university module, gave me the academic perspective.
Some friendships have ended, a couple have been renewed, the older ones are treasured but so are the new. I gained my BSc Hons after just over three years, whilst working long hours in support work and I sensed some jealousy, even resentment, from some colleagues and acquaintances, though others, inspired by my returning to study in my 50s, also signed up with the university in my wake. My manager, supportive over a difficult issue, nevertheless felt I was making a mistake by leaving the job and [place name] but here I am, still standing, having been here for my mum and now for my (rather young but disabled) stepdad - truly amazing how many people thought they knew better than I did what I should be doing!
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
I recall that I was more aware of couples now that I was no longer part of one. It did seem strange that the world just carried on, that I carried on too, at least for a time. I felt as if I had somehow shrunk, that everything around me was larger and unfamiliar, even [a town] which I knew like the back of my hand. The flat [...] no longer felt like 'home' with F gone and my dreams were always of the old place, our guest-house that had gone back to the landlord at the end of the lease. (I still have one of the dreams ... where we're basically 'squatting' whilst clearing [an apartment name] out and of guests, which others have booked in, coming to the door and no bedding for them and no cooker to prepare meals!) I felt that I was no longer the person I had been, with F, that an older, more pessimistic version of self was coming back and she just felt everything was never going to be right again, no idea where she belonged, what she should be doing. I had to work hard at not becoming her again permanently whilst acknowledging that she had her virtues as well as her faults. The world certainly seemed itself again when I had finally over-mastered her doubts and fears.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
I think I was more aware of time passing, though some days the hours passed unnoticed, days merged into one another or seemed over-long. I kept thinking how many days it was since I had been a wife, how many weeks, months; everything became about 'before' and 'after' with before starting to feel like a very long time ago.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
I lost weight, went down from 17 stone to 15.5, had no appetite (still think the medication I was on, for my blood-pressure had something to do with it!) and I hardly recognised myself in the bathroom mirror. [...] I experienced new aches and pains, felt that my hearing and sight had changed. [...] As previously noted, I felt as if I had somehow shrunk.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
I struggled with the first job I found [...] - really hard to get into the routine when I might have one shift and then not see that ward again for some weeks. People just assumed I knew the ropes, I missed parts of breaks because I wasn't remembered in time to take the whole half-hour of 15 minutes - really wasn't the best thing, probably, bank work but no other choice. I struggled, initially, with the course studied at a local college - was doing the Level 2 in the morning and the more basic, Level 1, in the afternoon but thanks to the tutor, I got into it all eventually and discovered I was actually quite good at it. I think my motivation was strong, part of my plan for going on but my confidence was low, after initially being reasonable and by the time I started the [...] 'Nursing' it was probably at rock bottom. I had no idea how things worked, that from the start of my placement I should be looking to get competencies signed off - when I did my three years the old-fashioned way, that came at the end of each placement. I never saw the Learning Disability tutor once and the tutor running the course seemed not to understand what a strain that first year had put on me. I also picked up on hostility from the unit manager which was confirmed, later - she disliked returner students and felt the placements were needed by the younger ones on their courses.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
Some describe the experience of grief as like being on a roller coaster, crests and dips. Another analogy is a game of snakes and ladders - you think you're getting there and then suddenly you're sliding back.
I strongly dislike the idea of the infamous 'Grieving Process' - the theories were taken from work with the terminally ill when somebody decided they fitted in with grief and grieving and for me and many others, they just do not fit our experiences at all. I was coping well with things to do, after the first difficult days but then, as my plans were affected by things I could not have expected, I regressed to that initial despair I felt at the first. That was when I started to wonder if there WAS something wrong with me. Thankfully, after finding Way Up, I learned that I was actually doing quite well and in a new job, and halfway to a university degree when I started it, my perspective began to change.
I strongly dislike the idea of the infamous 'Grieving Process' - the theories were taken from work with the terminally ill when somebody decided they fitted in with grief and grieving and for me and many others, they just do not fit our experiences at all. I was coping well with things to do, after the first difficult days but then, as my plans were affected by things I could not have expected, I regressed to that initial despair I felt at the first. That was when I started to wonder if there WAS something wrong with me. Thankfully, after finding Way Up, I learned that I was actually doing quite well and in a new job, and halfway to a university degree when I started it, my perspective began to change.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
Not expecting but I felt his presence in the early days, most strongly when my car went out of control on the M6. [...] It was as if all time stood still: none of the vehicles that SHOULD have hit me did and I have never before or since had such strength in my hands as I needed to regain control, finally stopped alongside the barrier and when kindly souls let me in, limped back to the inside and the hard shoulder. I have never looked for F - I was there when he passed, accepted the reality of that but I did hope for a sign of some kind and perhaps I DID get it, that day, who knows?
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
Probably every time things have gone awry, which they done so many times in almost 11 years but also when they've been going really well.
I attended a degree ceremony [...], a year after getting my degree and how I wished that F could have been there. When my mum died [...] and with all the worries my brother and I have had over our stepdad, his presence would have been a great comfort.
Back in 2012, I attended a belated wedding party when F's son, H and wife K arranged a big reception in [place name], no time the year before. It was lovely but I felt lost, sitting at the top table with K's mum, listening to her complaints [...]
I attended a degree ceremony [...], a year after getting my degree and how I wished that F could have been there. When my mum died [...] and with all the worries my brother and I have had over our stepdad, his presence would have been a great comfort.
Back in 2012, I attended a belated wedding party when F's son, H and wife K arranged a big reception in [place name], no time the year before. It was lovely but I felt lost, sitting at the top table with K's mum, listening to her complaints [...]
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
I suppose what I have already related, the car incident, gave me a strong sense of F's presence but there was another time, before I moved from the flat in [place name]. I was upset over bills coming in and unhelpful people when I spotted something on a glass table - a silver threepence [...], the year F was born. How it got there and why it wasn't in a little box with some other old sixpences and threepences, I have no idea.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
I have never lost that sense of still being connected to F, need only close my eyes and sit quietly and I can still feel his kiss, his hugs, hear his voice. When I don't know what I should do about something, I think what his answer would have been, what he might have suggested.
This has been particularly so recently when I have faced a moral dilemma over my stepdad and his actions with his money. [...] F would either say: 'Let him get on with it' or assure me, with a hug, that I was doing all I could. I had been feeling very stressed but better now
This has been particularly so recently when I have faced a moral dilemma over my stepdad and his actions with his money. [...] F would either say: 'Let him get on with it' or assure me, with a hug, that I was doing all I could. I had been feeling very stressed but better now
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I keep in touch with H and K, with mutual friends abroad and I have continued to work on his family tree as well as my own. He has one brother living but haven't heard from him since the funeral, nor anyone else in the family - they weren't close.
I wear F's ring [...], which I slipped onto my right hand after he passed. I have kept his old writing desk and I held onto a few items of clothing which I felt were not suitable to donate. I have the pans he used, in our old guest-house and whenever I forget I've left one on (I have been doing this since my youth) I can hear his voice, telling me off, ditto when my door keys grow a pair of legs!
I wear F's ring [...], which I slipped onto my right hand after he passed. I have kept his old writing desk and I held onto a few items of clothing which I felt were not suitable to donate. I have the pans he used, in our old guest-house and whenever I forget I've left one on (I have been doing this since my youth) I can hear his voice, telling me off, ditto when my door keys grow a pair of legs!
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
It was upsetting to see how his body swelled after death - I wasn't allowed to lay my plait of hair on his breast, the funeral directors had to suit-up to avoid infections but carried out this last wish of mine for me. For a while I could not lose the image but I chose to replace it in my mind with another from our last holiday [...] and it has not troubled me since.
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
The support of other students on my first university module and then, Way Up and the insights gained from the forum but there was something else.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
[...] I had letters from three men, all widowed, who had stayed, with their late partners, at our old B&B and have kept them to occasionally re-read. F's son H, gave me the advice to get a body pillow for the bed, which I did - he'd found it helped after losing N, his first wife and childhood sweetheart.
The expectations others have of the bereaved are entirely unrealistic and indeed, our own expectations of ourselves are as bad. There is a shying-away from death, a need to see people apparently doing well (I hate those words 'stay strong' along with 'time to move on') coping and happy with life and sometimes, putting the needs of those others before their own. I've had almost all the standard remarks and I don't react to them then or now because other people only know what they know from experience and mean no harm.
The expectations others have of the bereaved are entirely unrealistic and indeed, our own expectations of ourselves are as bad. There is a shying-away from death, a need to see people apparently doing well (I hate those words 'stay strong' along with 'time to move on') coping and happy with life and sometimes, putting the needs of those others before their own. I've had almost all the standard remarks and I don't react to them then or now because other people only know what they know from experience and mean no harm.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I've always, I hope, been thoughtful and caring and feel I am, in many ways, more so now but
I am less likely to put up with rudeness, poor service etc than I was. I know I am not the person I was with my husband but nor am I the person I was before we met, just someone I've had to take time to get to know.
I am less likely to put up with rudeness, poor service etc than I was. I know I am not the person I was with my husband but nor am I the person I was before we met, just someone I've had to take time to get to know.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
Aside from the loss of people and loved pets, I think the loss of my dream of becoming a doctor was maybe the biggest other type of loss. I still recall how it felt [...] going to see the headmaster who advised me not to repeat the Lower Sixth year as I'd be 20 by the time I was doing the A-levels if I did well enough when repeating the year just ended. He said I was pushing myself too hard to try to recapture whatever it was I'd had before meningitis came along and reminded me I'd always talked about nursing if I couldn't get the A-levels. I went home, took my uniform off for the last time and I cried. Until I lost my soulmate, that was the biggest loss I ever knew.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
It troubles me when others say they feel things are as bad after years as at the first and I don't feel like that. Do they believe that, because they hug their grief so tight, perhaps feeling that to let it go is letting the beloved go, that my love was not so strong as theirs? I hear the unspoken sometimes and I wonder but I cannot say it hurts as much today as it did that day when I lost the other half of my soul.
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
I think we could go on forever on the subject of bereavement and grief but perhaps that sense of being forced to put on an act because other people need to see the smiling mask, not the mask of tragedy, is something to consider.