Response
Response #
75
Person who died
Husband
Category
Current experience of grief
Respondent details
55-64 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My husband
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
I was calm up to the funeral and then became increasingly distressed in the days following.
I had retired 4 months prior to my husband's illness after many years as a children's social worker. We had no children and I felt 'my purpose' had gone.
I engaged in 1:1 counselling in the January. I was routinely reviewed by my GP and was prescribed antidepressants, anxiety medication and sleeping pills - the first time ever I had used such medication.
I was said to be suffering PTSD as the circumstances leading up to my husband's death had been very traumatic and neither of us had received any emotional/ medical support due to my husband's care moving from one hospital to the other.
I was the sole person at my husband's bedside for the last 4 weeks of his life at his request and remained with him daily up to his last breath.
I had a very difficult first year and could not settle anywhere and visited many friends in differing locations throughout the year.
I felt 'uncentred' we were very much 'in love' and spent most time together and I felt lost and devastated at his death and very angry with the NHS. Even the hospice care was unsatisfactory.
I needed to be with people all the time and felt isolated, talked of having fallen down a black hole and had difficulty climbing out - felt I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
Lockdown was the most time I have spent at home alone since the bereavement and I was able to cope.
It has taken a huge personal determination to try to get through my grief and by Easter I was off the anxiety and sleeping pills and gradually reduced the antidepressant finally coming off these in June.
I now understand grief is its own master and whilst I have learnt how to manage the outbursts and to 'go with it', I can still have very raw days and I have never cried so much as in the last 20 months.
I could go on - I consider myself as usually a very strong person, but nothing prepared me for the depth of devastation I have felt impacting me hugely.
I had retired 4 months prior to my husband's illness after many years as a children's social worker. We had no children and I felt 'my purpose' had gone.
I engaged in 1:1 counselling in the January. I was routinely reviewed by my GP and was prescribed antidepressants, anxiety medication and sleeping pills - the first time ever I had used such medication.
I was said to be suffering PTSD as the circumstances leading up to my husband's death had been very traumatic and neither of us had received any emotional/ medical support due to my husband's care moving from one hospital to the other.
I was the sole person at my husband's bedside for the last 4 weeks of his life at his request and remained with him daily up to his last breath.
I had a very difficult first year and could not settle anywhere and visited many friends in differing locations throughout the year.
I felt 'uncentred' we were very much 'in love' and spent most time together and I felt lost and devastated at his death and very angry with the NHS. Even the hospice care was unsatisfactory.
I needed to be with people all the time and felt isolated, talked of having fallen down a black hole and had difficulty climbing out - felt I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
Lockdown was the most time I have spent at home alone since the bereavement and I was able to cope.
It has taken a huge personal determination to try to get through my grief and by Easter I was off the anxiety and sleeping pills and gradually reduced the antidepressant finally coming off these in June.
I now understand grief is its own master and whilst I have learnt how to manage the outbursts and to 'go with it', I can still have very raw days and I have never cried so much as in the last 20 months.
I could go on - I consider myself as usually a very strong person, but nothing prepared me for the depth of devastation I have felt impacting me hugely.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
Every cliche in the grief literature is true.
Some good friends have gone by the wayside.
Some friendships have surpassed my expectations in their support.
New friendships have been very supportive.
I have largely had to educate family/ friends in how to best help me - showing grief videos ( Julie Samuels) on how to best help me ! This was exhausting.
Most people just wanted 'the old me back as soon as possible'!
Definitely after around the 6 month mark most people think you should 'be over it' .
Very few people are prepared to put themselves in your shoes and actually try to understand how hugely such a loss impacts on all areas of your life.
Those people who have stuck by me for the long haul have been my strongest relationships and these relationships have strengthened.
Other family members have largely disappointed me in their unwillingness to face my distress.
Some good friends have gone by the wayside.
Some friendships have surpassed my expectations in their support.
New friendships have been very supportive.
I have largely had to educate family/ friends in how to best help me - showing grief videos ( Julie Samuels) on how to best help me ! This was exhausting.
Most people just wanted 'the old me back as soon as possible'!
Definitely after around the 6 month mark most people think you should 'be over it' .
Very few people are prepared to put themselves in your shoes and actually try to understand how hugely such a loss impacts on all areas of your life.
Those people who have stuck by me for the long haul have been my strongest relationships and these relationships have strengthened.
Other family members have largely disappointed me in their unwillingness to face my distress.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
Initially and for a long time- yes.
It felt a very alien and hostile place. Lots of things now seemed very trivial and I felt misplaced.
Grief is very isolating in itself through what you have lost and the outside world adds to this experience by the lack of understanding shown around you.
Many people seem not to know how to approach you and this makes you feel even more alienated.
It's generally not a world that wants to engage with grief - it's like you 'have something wrong with you' I would say to friends that I must have done something wrong or failed somehow to deserve the place I found myself in!
The reality is that through no fault of your own, your world collapses and you are largely left very much on your own to deal with this.
Many people said to me 'only you can sort this out for yourself', when clearly as a result of your loss you are acutely aware of this fact.
It felt a very alien and hostile place. Lots of things now seemed very trivial and I felt misplaced.
Grief is very isolating in itself through what you have lost and the outside world adds to this experience by the lack of understanding shown around you.
Many people seem not to know how to approach you and this makes you feel even more alienated.
It's generally not a world that wants to engage with grief - it's like you 'have something wrong with you' I would say to friends that I must have done something wrong or failed somehow to deserve the place I found myself in!
The reality is that through no fault of your own, your world collapses and you are largely left very much on your own to deal with this.
Many people said to me 'only you can sort this out for yourself', when clearly as a result of your loss you are acutely aware of this fact.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
I have got better over time.
Initially I felt I had huge periods of time on my hands to fill.
My life was governed by a diary I was desperate to fill.
Empty days filled me with despair.
I felt I had lost my opportunity for 'idle retirement' - time together doing nothing was gone, it became a battle to fill time and to conquer the empty space!
Lockdown actually helped me not feel so different from everyone else and I was able to manage the time and relax for the first time in over a year!
I still battle with filling time, but appreciate I am unable to continue with lots of things I had put in place to fill time - voluntary work, etc.
I worry how I will fill my days or as to what will come and can only think ahead for three monthly periods maximum.
Initially I felt I had huge periods of time on my hands to fill.
My life was governed by a diary I was desperate to fill.
Empty days filled me with despair.
I felt I had lost my opportunity for 'idle retirement' - time together doing nothing was gone, it became a battle to fill time and to conquer the empty space!
Lockdown actually helped me not feel so different from everyone else and I was able to manage the time and relax for the first time in over a year!
I still battle with filling time, but appreciate I am unable to continue with lots of things I had put in place to fill time - voluntary work, etc.
I worry how I will fill my days or as to what will come and can only think ahead for three monthly periods maximum.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
Fortunately I had retired - if I hadn't I know I would not have been able to do my past job, even now at the 20 month post bereavement stage.
Initially for about 6 months all tasks were difficult.
The house was in disorder, I couldn't stick to a routine, I couldn't do hobbies etc
I still rarely feel relaxed enough to do hobbies etc
Initially for about 6 months all tasks were difficult.
The house was in disorder, I couldn't stick to a routine, I couldn't do hobbies etc
I still rarely feel relaxed enough to do hobbies etc
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
Fortunately I had retired - if I hadn't I know I would not have been able to do my past job, even now at the 20 month post bereavement stage.
Initially for about 6 months all tasks were difficult.
The house was in disorder, I couldn't stick to a routine, I couldn't do hobbies, etc.
I still rarely feel relaxed enough to do hobbies, etc.
Initially for about 6 months all tasks were difficult.
The house was in disorder, I couldn't stick to a routine, I couldn't do hobbies, etc.
I still rarely feel relaxed enough to do hobbies, etc.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
Yes, I am slowly getting stronger and am able to accept and manage ( physically/ emotionally) the grief.
I realise it is here to stay and that it is a journey that never ends.
It becomes less debilitating with time most of the time.
It is hard work.
I realise that even when times are better I am working at overcoming my grief all of the time.
Sometimes I give in and this leads to bad episodes or 'grief spurts', as I call them.
I recently described this to a less understanding 'friend' as grief being an ongoing lifetime battle that sometimes I win, but other times I distinctly do not and have to accept that.
I realise it is here to stay and that it is a journey that never ends.
It becomes less debilitating with time most of the time.
It is hard work.
I realise that even when times are better I am working at overcoming my grief all of the time.
Sometimes I give in and this leads to bad episodes or 'grief spurts', as I call them.
I recently described this to a less understanding 'friend' as grief being an ongoing lifetime battle that sometimes I win, but other times I distinctly do not and have to accept that.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
No
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
Yes, I am aware of his absence all of the time.
It is the private times at home that I feel his absence the strongest.
I have returned with supportive family to special places and have found comfort in this.
I have not felt able to travel abroad since his death as this was a huge part of our shared life and would be too distressing for me even now.
All the usual anniversaries are painful.
It is the private times at home that I feel his absence the strongest.
I have returned with supportive family to special places and have found comfort in this.
I have not felt able to travel abroad since his death as this was a huge part of our shared life and would be too distressing for me even now.
All the usual anniversaries are painful.
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
No, I wish I had.
I wrote to my husband while he was still well and able to read my letter telling him how much he had meant to me.
He had a faith and I asked him to be with me wherever he was and to make sure he understood that I may move house! He agreed, but I have never had a true sense of his presence since death.
I wrote to my husband while he was still well and able to read my letter telling him how much he had meant to me.
He had a faith and I asked him to be with me wherever he was and to make sure he understood that I may move house! He agreed, but I have never had a true sense of his presence since death.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
For many months it felt too painful to feel that connection.
As time has progressed that connection has got stronger as I am now able to bear it.
When I am home alone I feel connected to him. I can't be clear, but I just think about him and relate to him in my mind as if he is still here.
I believe he would be 'with me' eternally if he could be and I like to trust he is there even if I don't feel a huge tangible presence.
As time has progressed that connection has got stronger as I am now able to bear it.
When I am home alone I feel connected to him. I can't be clear, but I just think about him and relate to him in my mind as if he is still here.
I believe he would be 'with me' eternally if he could be and I like to trust he is there even if I don't feel a huge tangible presence.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I wear his wedding ring on my right hand middle finger next to my wedding ring which I now wear on my right hand on the adjoining finger.
I have very recently put his picture as my screensaver on my mobile phone.
I have very recently put his picture as my screensaver on my mobile phone.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
No
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
The support of others, especially talking about how I feel.
Counselling
Bereavement groups
Reconnecting with things I enjoy - walking, holidays in this country, visiting friends/ family, distractions- trips/ visits
Spending time with happy couples makes me upset and really feel what I have lost.
Being so alone makes the grief worse.
Counselling
Bereavement groups
Reconnecting with things I enjoy - walking, holidays in this country, visiting friends/ family, distractions- trips/ visits
Spending time with happy couples makes me upset and really feel what I have lost.
Being so alone makes the grief worse.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
A lot of people have been understanding or try to understand.
Those who 'let me be', whatever that is and go alongside me at the time with whatever state I'm in is most helpful.
There are so many unhelpful remarks:
You are the only one who can sort this out
You should be grateful, you have a house, money, you're not the only person dealt a bad hand
You'll find someone else
Those who 'let me be', whatever that is and go alongside me at the time with whatever state I'm in is most helpful.
There are so many unhelpful remarks:
You are the only one who can sort this out
You should be grateful, you have a house, money, you're not the only person dealt a bad hand
You'll find someone else
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I will be forever changed
I feel underlying sadness for my loss and the circumstance of my husband's death all of the time.
Watching the person you love most in the world die in front of you has changed me forever.
I'm not sure what I believe in any more.
Nothing phases me - when the worst has happened I don't fear for my own safety.
I have low expectations now.
I don't expect to feel real joy anymore
I feel underlying sadness for my loss and the circumstance of my husband's death all of the time.
Watching the person you love most in the world die in front of you has changed me forever.
I'm not sure what I believe in any more.
Nothing phases me - when the worst has happened I don't fear for my own safety.
I have low expectations now.
I don't expect to feel real joy anymore
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
There is no comparison
The death of my spouse has been all encompassing, it has affected every aspect of my life deeply and personally.
The death of my spouse has been all encompassing, it has affected every aspect of my life deeply and personally.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
It's all puzzling !
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
The sheer desperation I feel at times is huge