Response
Response #
74
Person who died
Husband
Category
Current experience of grief
Respondent details
55-64 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My Husband
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
I was totally numb as he was fading away and remained so for days afterwards. I have very little recollection of the 17 days leading up to the funeral, although I made all the arrangements myself so must have been functioning at some level. The funeral itself is mostly a blur, can't remember detail at all. I have had episodes of crying but not hysterically or continually as I have heard from others. I feel an overwhelming sadness, anger, disbelief even. Some days it doesn't seem real. At other times I can look at his photographs and wonder "who are you", cannot recall the real him, more the illness and what it did to him. I have flashbacks to a particularly harrowing time in hospital and to the last weekend at home. I feel guilty sometimes for not insisting on tests when he first presented at the GP with symptoms- the GP assured us there was nothing to worry about.
I feel so very sad that there is so much we won't do together. Feel cheated. I get very distressed when I know how desperately he didn't want to leave me. I lack motivation at times and enthusiasm about the future.
I feel so very sad that there is so much we won't do together. Feel cheated. I get very distressed when I know how desperately he didn't want to leave me. I lack motivation at times and enthusiasm about the future.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
Friends and family contact has been restricted due to Covid. I am a strong character by nature and think a lot of people assume that I am coping well as I generally put on a brave face. My mother sees the real me and understands.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
Nothing seems to register , lack of emotion about anything going on in the world. Feel oblivious to everything.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
Yes, all days seem the same. I wake up sometimes and genuinely don't know what day it is and feel a sense of panic until I work it out. I used to be very structured with meal times and routines but not now.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
I've had numerous aches and pains, stomach problems, musculoskeletal issues.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
Yes, lack of motivation generally. Attention span massively reduced, memory affected, decision making affected, loss of confidence.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
Anger is now overriding other emotions.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
No
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
Yes, many. I've experienced our wedding anniversary and my birthday. Places we went to regularly, even as simple as for a coffee somewhere, supermarket, local town, as well as places of more meaningful significance. Mornings and evenings are difficult, as are reminders in the form of TV and radio programmes.
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
No
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
Very much. We had not long moved to our 'forever home' before diagnosis. We loved the house and area and it was very much a work in progress. We both wanted me to be able to stay here and carry out the plans we had made. I have been working on the garden during lockdown which has helped my wellbeing and I 'talk to him' about what I'm doing and feel his encouragement. Likewise in the house, I can now start to put work in progress and feel that we are doing it together, just as we had envisaged. It feels very much like 'our' dream. He is buried in the village churchyard less than a 5 minute walk away and that makes me feel very connected to him, I walk there most days. I 'talk' to him all the time and always think what he do, before making any decisions.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
As in 12, continuing renovations to our home, talking about him regularly and naturally to friends and family, laughing at things that made us laugh, focusing on the real love we shared.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
I try to divert thoughts away from the awful hospital experience - distract myself by doing something or talking to someone. I don't want to avoid being reminded of him just the experience in hospital and the last week or so at home.
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
Nothing specific has made me feel better but I try to surround myself with positive people.
His mother, with whom he had a toxic relationship, has been terribly difficult to deal with, she has been manipulative and unkind and made very derogatory comments about him, which has had a major detrimental impact on me.
His mother, with whom he had a toxic relationship, has been terribly difficult to deal with, she has been manipulative and unkind and made very derogatory comments about him, which has had a major detrimental impact on me.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
None of my peer group has experienced this type of loss so have not, through no fault of their own, been particularly helpful.
I joined a widows' forum which has offered some examples of inspiration and encouragement, and sensible advice and candid sharing of experiences which has been helpful. The very negative and depressive posts have not been helpful and I often felt worse having read them. I have now learned to skip past these.
I joined a widows' forum which has offered some examples of inspiration and encouragement, and sensible advice and candid sharing of experiences which has been helpful. The very negative and depressive posts have not been helpful and I often felt worse having read them. I have now learned to skip past these.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I am less decisive, less tolerant, nowhere near as structured, apprehensive about things and worry about almost everything.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
Vastly different. I was divorced a long time ago and although it's what I wanted, it did feel like a sense of bereavement at the time but now realise it in no way compares.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
Yes, although I'm not sure whether it's grief or death that I'm puzzled about.
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
No