Response

Response #

Person who died

Husband

Category

Current experience of grief

Respondent details

55-64 | Female | British

Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?

My husband

Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?

Our sons were teenagers when their father died. Without them I am not sure I would still be here. There seemed no point to life. Initially I couldn’t sleep, concentrate or eat. I felt I had lost my husband/best friend, my identity as being half of a couple and my future. None of our retirement plans work for me alone. We had been a couple for 36 years, Together since I was 20.

Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?

It varies!
Some of “our” friends have effectively disappeared from my life. Others have been amazingly supportive and I am now closer to them.

Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?

Initially I think I withdrew from the world. I just wanted to see immediate family/ close friends. I think I struggled knowing that the world continued as normal while this disaster had happened to my family.

Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?

I am aware of how short life is. I’m more impatient to see and do things while I have the chance.

Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?

Yes but this was complicated by what I now know was hyperparathyroidism. Since my operation to remove my rogue parathyroid I feel a lot better.

Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?

I was made redundant 6 months after my husband died. No coincidence! I had a Director level post but this turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I now have a much better part time job with less stress that I really enjoy.
I found concentrating very difficult and my memory was very poor.

Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?

I’m finding it easier to look back on all our (very many) happy times now 3 years after my husband's death. Initially I was overwhelmed with sadness. I cried a lot and generally felt there was no future for me once our sons were grown up.
Now I can see that there are lots of things I want to do. My new job helped a lot and I have started to learn to play Bridge. Small steps!

Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?

Frequently! Every time there is a creak on the stairs or a car in the drive I expected it to be him.

Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?

All the major landmarks in our sons' lives - exam results, university, girlfriends, etc.
When I’ve been ill (I have had 3 operations in the last year). Family holidays, Christmas etc etc

Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?

Sadly no.

Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?

Yes - particularly when our sons demonstrate a behaviour that really remind me of him.

It’s a good feeling to recognise that (in a way) part of him lives on in our sons.

Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?

Just remembering him every day.

Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?

I have asked my GP if I can not be in the room where he died. I still find my heart rate increasing when I visit the surgery.

Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?

I attended Cruse group therapy but sadly that did not help. I was the only person in my group who had lost their partner. I think losing your spouse is different and while a mixed group is good, I would have found it much more helpful to have at least one other person with the same experience.
I really liked the analogy about expanding your life to help with grief (balls in a jar) and I actively tried to do this.
I found online groups like way up helpful - it was reassuring to read that others had the same feelings

Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?

Some have been excellent - ready to listen to me sobbing yet again. I particularly appreciate others remembering key dates. Others less so, a quick how are you? To which I reply fine. OK I appreciate them asking.

Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?

Am very different.
Some things I thought were important (e.g., sons exam results) really don’t matter to me now. I am much more interested in how happy my sons are.
I am no longer ambitious at work. I now work part time and am developing new hobbies I wouldn’t have had time for before.
I still see a rather sad lonely life ahead of me but maybe I can change that?

Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?

I lost my mother when she asked died from a sudden death. That was also very difficult, but the support of my husband helped me a lot in coming to terms with her loss.

When my husband died there was no one able to give me the support I needed in the same way.

Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?

Just how utterly devastating it was. Like a nuclear bomb going off in our family. Life is never the same again.
Life is ok now but different.

Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?