Response
Response #
69
Person who died
Husband
Category
Past experience of grief
Respondent details
65-74 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My husbands - I have been widowed twice.
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
With both of them, I was poleaxed.
When my first husband died, I was 7 months pregnant with our second child. I was desperate, inconsolable, unhinged.
When F died, I felt overwhelmed by sadness and loss, anger and incomprehension, and, to a lesser extent, still do.
When my first husband died, I was 7 months pregnant with our second child. I was desperate, inconsolable, unhinged.
When F died, I felt overwhelmed by sadness and loss, anger and incomprehension, and, to a lesser extent, still do.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
Some friends and family were wonderfully caring and supportive.
Some friends disappeared, and 2 friends, who I had thought were close and special, treated me with callous cruelty.
My children were wonderful, but 2 of my stepchildren were unkind.
I found it particularly hard to spend time with couples.
Some friends disappeared, and 2 friends, who I had thought were close and special, treated me with callous cruelty.
My children were wonderful, but 2 of my stepchildren were unkind.
I found it particularly hard to spend time with couples.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
In the early days of loss, I was unaware of my surroundings, living from day to day - but gradually, as time passed, I began to appreciate the beauty of nature, and to try to take pleasure in small things.
When I was a young widow, my experiences were very different.
I was unmoved by my surroundings, concerned only in getting through the days and trying to parent my children alone.
When I was a young widow, my experiences were very different.
I was unmoved by my surroundings, concerned only in getting through the days and trying to parent my children alone.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
Time seems to drag, but also to fly.
The time that elapses between the loss and continuing life is both too long, and too short.
I was angry that time continued to pass, and measured my life in days, weeks, months since I lost him.
I still do this.
The time that elapses between the loss and continuing life is both too long, and too short.
I was angry that time continued to pass, and measured my life in days, weeks, months since I lost him.
I still do this.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
Numb
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
Complete inability to concentrate on anything for any sustained length of time.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
As time passes, so the intensity of grief lessens - but it can still catch one unawares, even after years- and the rawness of loss dissipates, but the pain remains.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
I talk to both my beloved men, and used to dream of them often - and in the early weeks/months after their deaths, I desperately believed/hoped that it was all a mistake and they would come home soon.
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
Christmas - I hate it now
My birthday, their birthdays, family gatherings, celebrations, the anniversary dates of their deaths - so many dates.
My birthday, their birthdays, family gatherings, celebrations, the anniversary dates of their deaths - so many dates.
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
F finds me parking spots - and I am very conscious of his presence whenever it happens - which is often.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
My connection with W has faded, as it is so long now since he died - but when I return to his birthplace, I feel a strong connection to home - I remember how happy we were and how much he loved me, and how hopeful we were for our life together and our family. I feel saddened that I have had to do it all without him, and wish he could have known both his sons.
I still feel very connected, loved, married to F, and still can’t quite comprehend that he has gone.
I seek his blessing and reassurance for so much that I do, and miss particularly not being able to tell him about how life has become since he died.
I still feel very connected, loved, married to F, and still can’t quite comprehend that he has gone.
I seek his blessing and reassurance for so much that I do, and miss particularly not being able to tell him about how life has become since he died.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I talk to them both.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
I have moved house and cannot go back to my old house, where F became so ill so quickly - the memories of his last weeks are very painful.
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
Not much, no.
I had some counselling, which helped me to rationalise my anger a little, but it is mostly the support of my family that has saved my sanity - I no longer feel the depths of despair that I felt both times, for quite a length of time on both occasions.
I had some counselling, which helped me to rationalise my anger a little, but it is mostly the support of my family that has saved my sanity - I no longer feel the depths of despair that I felt both times, for quite a length of time on both occasions.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
Some of my friends ‘get it’ - have natural empathy.
Most don’t, and expect me to ‘move on’ and be ‘over it’.
They will not fully understand until they experience the same loss.
Telling me to ‘count my blessings’ 2 weeks after F died was a very crass response from a family member.
Most don’t, and expect me to ‘move on’ and be ‘over it’.
They will not fully understand until they experience the same loss.
Telling me to ‘count my blessings’ 2 weeks after F died was a very crass response from a family member.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I am quieter, less hopeful, less confident, more anxious and more detached.
I expect less and appreciate kindness enormously.
I expect less and appreciate kindness enormously.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
There is no comparison.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
Most of it - it’s a hotchpotch of feelings and experiences and physical manifestations that are bewildering and terrifying.
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
The intensity of loss is so hard to describe - I’m not sure that I can begin to do it justice.