Response

Response #
68
Person who died
Husband
Category
Past experience of grief
Respondent details
55-64 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
I was his wife.
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
There was a lot to do as I was informed of his death by the local police, had to travel to identify my husband and his death was subsequently referred to inquest. I remember feeling numb, but thought that was probably designed as a protection and to let me make the necessary arrangements without falling apart.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
I think on the whole, in the early stages, I accepted the kindness of those around me. I struggled greatly with my in-laws, who were incredibly unhelpful and protective of themselves. I can see now that they were scared, but incredibly unhelpful, just the same.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
I remember for a time feeling quite detached from a lot of what went on. I’ve since heard of it as living in a parallel universe, which would be about right. I never felt that people didn’t deserve to be happy because this had happened to me, but felt I’d always be in limbo.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
It felt relentless and remorseless.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
I remember walking in [street name] in [a city] and the side of me nearest the road felt as if it had disappeared, and the opposite happened when I crossed the road. I thought that was because my husband walked on the outside.
For a time, I felt as if I had a lead weight across my abdomen, yet it also felt empty.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
I think I managed to do my work, but was paralysed in grief on the inside. When I wasn’t working or accountable for my time, I let just about everything go and hid at home. I kept the bathroom clean, that was as far as it got when I was struggling.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
It got worse for a period. I still thought I had a decent public face, but it took so long to get affairs settled, I never really had the chance of peace. Probably around the 6-9 month mark, I was in a poor state. I remember sobbing and feeling catastrophic loss when the Coroner’s Report arrived, and not because of its contents, but that this loss of me was never going to end.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
I knew he wasn’t going to appear. I wanted to go to him.
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
I can’t really remember now.
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
There were some occasions when I felt as if there was a sensation running through my body or when I entered our little study that he was there with me.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
Not really now. He left me with enormous problems, that others seemed to enjoy and I felt for a time I had no business to be grieving him, but when I think of him now, it’s with fondness and a question of why he hurt me the way he did. I guess it is as it is.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
He left such a mess behind him, I don’t think I would have been allowed to express the need to feel closer. He robbed me of that.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
No. I couldn’t get away from all the problems. There was nowhere to go.
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
I thought at the time that alcohol was quite good as I tried to get it to kill me. I used to go to bed and pray fervently to God to take me, and low and behold, the next day, there I was. It broke my heart.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
Some people were very considerate and gentle. There were the usual silly things, but often people don’t know what to say. I did hear a lot of cruel things about my husband, and it made a villain of him, and most certainly didn’t help me. I suppose at the time, ‘the sooner you face up to it, the sooner you’ll get over it,’ made me feel a million dollars. I just wanted to die.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I think it’s true that you can’t really know the grief of loss of your spouse until you’ve experienced it. I remember thinking of how my mum felt when my dad died. Then I knew. When I hear that someone is enduring bereavement, I sometimes wince at the mortal pain they are feeling.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
It tops it all as there was no choice in this matter. You lose a part of your inner soul.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
After all this time, not really. I wish I could have been more assertive with those who were supposedly helping me.
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
Maybe there could have been questions on what people did to feel they were making progress and what actually helped them. How they overcame the overwhelming feelings of loss of control and the crippling loneliness.