Response

Response #

Person who died

Husband

Category

Past experience of grief

Respondent details

65-74 | Female | British

Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?

He was my husband

Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?

I was completely heartbroken, I think I was hoping for a miracle but I knew in my heart that I had lost him when he fell. He was a fit man, and never even took a paracetamol, so it was a complete shock. I had to go for counselling to Cruse later on, but even now I expect him to walk in the door. I lost my mother six months after losing my husband, so the two most important people in my life had gone. I couldn't really remember much for the first few days, I think everybody feels like this

Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?

My children and my family were marvelous and still are. People and neighbours came to see me, but some hardly speak now, later on I thought maybe some of them only came to be nosy about what happened, but I was in such a state I didn't really think about it at the time. We used to go on weekends away with friends but I was dropped by them, I don't know why. Some people who I thought were friends didn't even come to the funeral, but some came from the other end of the country. I've now learned to forget them and not get upset, but it has taken me a few years to come to terms with the upset

Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?

My surrounding world changed so much, because the best man in the world had left me. I would cry if I saw two people holding hands, and sometimes still do. I didn't listen to radio two for a long time, as we always listened to it together. I don't drive and my husband took me everywhere, so the car was the first thing I got rid of, as I couldn't bear to see if on the drive. I still get upset when I go in the garage as all his tools are still there, neat and tidy. I don't suppose those feelings will ever change

Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?

In my experience time seemed to drag, I think it was because all I wanted to do was go to bed and not wake up, so I could be with him. One day seemed to roll into the next and I seemed to be in a bad dream, and he would be just be playing an awful joke

Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?

I don't think my body felt different, but I'm a bad sleeper so sleep was hard to come by. I still have trouble now and suffer with migraines if I don't get enough sleep

Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?

I was retired so work didn't come into it, I think I was ok with my ability too do things, but didn't have much motivation to do them

Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?

I think I'm the beginning grief is raw, it seems to eat you up, you feel like standing in the street and screaming. Over time you seem to put on a brave face and people think you are coping well, but they don't know how you feel. When people ask you say you're fine but seven now some days are a struggle. I don't think you ever get over losing your special one you just learn to live with it, as there's not much you can do about it

Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?

Even now if I'm watching the television I'll turn to say something to him and realize he's not there. Sometimes I tell myself he's out playing golf and he'll be coming home shortly. I still expect him to walk through the door, but I think that's because it happened so quick and without warning

Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?

We had our first grandchild six months before I lost my husband so her christening was hard for me, as I was by myself. I was invited to a wedding and that was hard but nothing prepares you for the birthdays and anniversaries that you should have shared and missed

Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?

I remember not long after I lost my husband I was having a bad day, and lying on the bed crying, and I was sure I felt his hand in mine, as if to say I'm here. Another time I had a dream and as I went out of the house they was a blinding light, and although I couldn't see a face a hand reached out to me. I knew it was my husband and I know as he took my hand he was telling me he would always be with me

Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?

I think I'll always have a connection with my husband, we were married for 38yrs and I knew him for more than 40, so I think it's only natural. He knew me inside out and we were never apart

Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?

The only thing I do and continue to do is go to the crematorium, we have a plaque up and I can talk to him there. I tell my granddaughter about her grandad and we always talk about him, I think this keeps him alive in our hearts

Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?

No nothing

Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?

I think going to Cruse helped me a lot, as nobody knows what it's like till it happens to them, it definitely made me feel better. Later on I joined Wayup and that was a God send, just talking to people who understood was wonderful

Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?

Most people are understanding, and as the years have gone by I've cut people out of my life who have upset me. I think some people think you should be over it now, but they all have their husbands or wives, and sometimes I feel like saying walk one day in my shoes and then tell me everything is fine

Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?

I think it's told me to live every day, because you don't know what's round the corner, also enjoy the little things in life, because one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things

Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?

I lost my dad and thought I would never get over it, but losing your husband is on another level. Your world is torn apart and you think you just want to die as well. I have had some very dark times and have thought of stepping in front of a bus or train, but I got help and spoke to people and I don't have those thoughts now

Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?

Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?