Response

Response #
66
Person who died
Husband
Category
Current experience of grief
Respondent details
65-74 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My Husband
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
At first I could think of nothing else
I found it difficult to function
I felt detached from everyone
I am learning to continue my life but there are still occasions when I am overwhelmed
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
Some are amazing -the ones who understand and encourage
Others were disastrous particularly my elderly mother who told me after two weeks that I needed to pull myself together and start caring for her!!
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
Yes
I am much less concerned with material things and much more concerned with friendship
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
Yes
For many years my mother manipulated me
This changed after E's death
She survived him by 3 years and I learnt to think of my needs first
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
I developed anxiety and sought help from my GP
I'm currently on medication and coping much better even during covid!
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
Yes
Totally lack of motivation at beginning
Slowly improving
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
Yes not permanently at the front of my thoughts
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
At the beginning yes
We'd been together for over 40 years
I was with him when he died but it felt unreal to be in our house without him
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
When I became a grandma
He knew our daughter was pregnant
It was heart wrenching when I held her for the first time
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
Yes
I'm sure I felt his arms around me
We both had no religious belief and I found it very strange
I am very comforted by these events
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
I still feel married
I loved him deeply and that didn't end when he died
I see him in our children and grandchildren
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I talk about him freely with our close family- faults and all!!
His legacy is in being remembered
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
His death was peaceful and he was with me and our children
We celebrate the day he was born
I remember the day he died but in a more reflective way
It was his life that was important not his death
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
WAY UP a support group for widows and widowers Maggie's a cancer support group
Good friend and family
Negative
Relatives who didn't understand or had stupid expectations of "getting over it"
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
Both extremes
People who have shown compassion and care
Others who have had their own agenda and put pressure on me to "get over it" to suit their own needs
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I'm more compassionate with those who are bereaved
I'm less manipulated and gullible
I'm intolerant of insincerity

I thought I'd never laugh again but I do

I try to be a kinder person
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
It was like having a limb amputated
I felt like my skin was turned inside out and my nerves were all exposed
I have never felt so alone
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
After 6 years probably not but initially yes without a doubt
Great waves of grief appearing from nowhere
Feeling that everything is known was gone
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
I don't think so