Response
Response #
64
Person who died
Husband
Category
Past experience of grief
Respondent details
55-64 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
He was my husband of 29 years. He was my soulmate.
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
I was in shock for a long time. It was so unexpected. I was off work for 3 weeks but it was not long enough. I had no real support during the early days I just existed. I worked, didn’t sleep and carried on. It all came to a head 18 months later I needed help - I was then off work for 6 weeks and attended counselling and was on anti-depressants.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
I have lost touch with many couple friends. I don’t get included in any of their outings. My close family and my relationship with my daughters is closer.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
Everything seemed harder to do. The world did not seem much different in the early days. I kept myself ridiculously busy, I made lots of trips and took up hill walking.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
Time seemed to pass very slowly. Nights seemed never ending.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
I was more anxious and jumpy.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
Yes, my concentration was affected. I struggled to do things correctly and would second guess my decisions. I comfort ate and put on a couple of stone in weight.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
It is still there but I have added other things to my life. I have good friends and I have taken up other interests. I miss K every day but it is not all consuming now.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
Yes, K would phone me at work after lunch when he got up. I would think he would phone. If anything funny happened at work I would catch myself going to call K! I would also think he was in the house in the early days.
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
Yes, big days - birthdays, anniversaries etc. Also the fact he hasn’t seen how well both his daughters have done in their work and blossomed into adulthood!
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
No I have not experienced this.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
Yes, I always think of what he would have done in certain circumstances.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I go to our favourite places I feel closer to him there.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
I won’t go to the place where he died.
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
After a while I was able to listen the music that he enjoyed, not always my taste. Talking about K with close family and friends also helps.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
People don’t understand, they think you should get over bereavement and grief. They can make insensitive comments about their spouse forgetting I am on my own etc. I joined a forum called Way Up - about 2 years after I was widowed. This was such a help - everyone got it as they were in the same boat. They understood that you were fine most of the time but a little thing can really set you off.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I am more independent and try to do lots of different things. I still miss K terribly. It has taken me a long time but I can now spend time on my own in the house.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
It affects every part of your life. Losing a husband affected me far more than the loss of my father in my 20s. Realisation going forward that the plans we had together will not now happen.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
Guilt, it seems strange but even now I feel guilty that I am enjoying my life and K is not.
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
Having online and social forums have been a very important part of my journey through grief. Having people with similar experiences to talk to was very comforting.