Response

Response #

Person who died

Spouse

Category

Past experience of grief

Respondent details

55-64 | Female | British

Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?

Spouse

Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?

Devastated. Experienced the classic, "how is everything else continuing when he is dead?" which I'd never quite believed actually happened until it happened to me. Also food tasting like cardboard - if/when I remembered to eat. Appetite was non-existent. Went into 'auto pilot' to get through the necessary things which had to be done (registering death, arranging funeral etc).

Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?

Lost a few friends along the way who couldn't understand my need to spend time with other widowed people who 'understood.'
Luckily I maintained good relationships with my husband's brothers but my relationship with my adult step-daughter later became strained when I re-married.

Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?

I didn't really register the surrounding world but found myself constantly surprised that other people couldn't see that I was devastated and ask what was wrong. This lasted, in varying degrees of intensity, for a few months.

Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?

Absolutely. It made very little sense. For the better part of a year I could tell you precisely how many days/weeks/months it had been since S died but I just couldn't fathom what day/date it actually was. A very unsettling experience.

Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?

Various aches and pains. Prone to minor ailments and a large helping of hypochondria.

Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?

Yes. I tried, and failed to work as I had previously. I was incredibly fortunate to have an extremely supportive management team. I would say it was a good 3 years before I felt anything like my usual level of competent.

Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?

It ever goes, regardless of how life changes, but it becomes more manageable. It is like the classic, 'Ball in a Jar' account - it describes it perfectly.

Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?

Frequently in the first year or two.

Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?

Yes - shared experiences which no longer have S in them are a huge reminder that he has gone.

Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?

No.

Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?

Of course. You cannot be married to someone for 18 years and just lose that connection. I still feel it looking at photos, watching Formula 1 (his passion) and at odd unexpected times too.

Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?

Nothing specific - he will always be close; he's tucked into a corner of my heart.

Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?

Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?

I found it difficult to cry, so used emotional music to facilitate that - very cathartic.

Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?

"You'll get there" - Where???
“he'd want you to be happy, " No sh*t?! Really?!

Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?

I am a different person now in lots of ways, but I've also re-discovered parts of the younger me from before I was married!
I'm more determined and more tolerant.

Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?

Every experience of grief is different. I've experienced the death of pets, both my parents, friends and my husband. Without doubt the death of my husband is the most intense and profound grief that I can imagine.
The only thing worse, I imagine, is the loss of one's child.

Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?

The entire state of widowhood is a puzzle.

Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?

I don't think so.