Response
Response #
61
Person who died
Spouse
Category
Past experience of grief
Respondent details
55-64 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
Spouse
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
Disbelief. Made all practical arrangements but still thought he was coming home. Couldn’t eat or sleep. When I did fall asleep would waken with a start thinking he was at the door. Utter devastation at his loss and our future.
First year after bereavement the worst of my life.
First year after bereavement the worst of my life.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
Had one wonderful friend who ‘got it’ and supported me greatly, as did minister who I only met after bereavement. A younger relative was also very supportive. Felt everyone else wanted me to be ok and, pretty soon expected me to be. Most wouldn’t even mention my husband’s name and changed the subject if I did. Found this very upsetting.
Very let down by many friends who made no contact and especially those with whom we socialised as a couple when they left me out of events.
Very let down by many friends who made no contact and especially those with whom we socialised as a couple when they left me out of events.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
Felt very dissociated from the world around, like I was just going through the motions. Could not comprehend how the world was still turning without my husband.
Intense feeling of this for many months so much so that it felt like a physical pain with fear mixed in. Even after year I could be hit by such an intense and profound sadness, even when doing ‘normal’ things and probably appearing ok to most people.
Intense feeling of this for many months so much so that it felt like a physical pain with fear mixed in. Even after year I could be hit by such an intense and profound sadness, even when doing ‘normal’ things and probably appearing ok to most people.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
Felt I was stuck in the intense grief and sadness even though time was passing.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
Sometimes I felt almost like I was outside my body, looking at all that was going on, as if it wasn’t happening. It just felt almost too much to bear.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
I was barely able to function beyond the basics. I was carer for my very frail mother. Saw her every day and had a routine for everything that needed to be done. After bereavement, I could hardly cope. If she asked for 2 or 3 things to be done, I told her I could only do one thing at a time. The reality was I could barely do that. I was almost ashamed to be off work. After 3 months off work (and 48 hours of literally no sleep) I told my boss I was returning to work. He wisely sent me to OHS who in turn sent me for counselling. Eventually went back to work after 9 months, although not to my previously pressurised role. Again, colleagues thought I was coping well. I was doing the job but inside felt bereft. Also, had the feeling I’d returned to normal routine but life for me was anything but normal.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
First year after bereavement was hell. I simply could not live if that intense sadness continued.
I miss and think of my husband every single day and long for him to be here, but life does go on.
I can go back to the darkness of the first year, but know that I will come out of these low times, hard as they still are when they happen.
I miss and think of my husband every single day and long for him to be here, but life does go on.
I can go back to the darkness of the first year, but know that I will come out of these low times, hard as they still are when they happen.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
Yes. Thought I was going mad. I’d be out for a coffee and would be looking for him coming in. I looked out my window one day and could swear i saw him walking up the brae towards the house. For a long time, I’d waken during the night convinced he was banging at the door to get in. I’d even get up to check.
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
Yes. Happy times and sad times, and lots in between. My son was 18 not long after his dad died. It was first card I signed only ‘mum’ I was distraught.
Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc, are all difficult. Anything when there is a gathering of friends and/or family I think he should be there.
My daughter married recently and his absence was magnified for me. He wasn’t given a mention which I found hurtful, but I can acknowledge it’s my daughter’s way of coping.
Sometimes it’s not a particular occasion, but rather having someone to do ‘nothing’ with.
Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc, are all difficult. Anything when there is a gathering of friends and/or family I think he should be there.
My daughter married recently and his absence was magnified for me. He wasn’t given a mention which I found hurtful, but I can acknowledge it’s my daughter’s way of coping.
Sometimes it’s not a particular occasion, but rather having someone to do ‘nothing’ with.
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
No, not particularly. Longed to even dream about him at first, but didn’t. On the odd occasion I did they were, more often than not, upsetting dreams.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
I feel a connection in the sense that I think of him daily and treasure memories I have of him, but unsure I would term this ‘connection’.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I sleep with pillow in the bed so that there is ‘something’ there. I have a bottle of his favourite aftershave, the smell of which reminds me of us going for an evening out.
For a long time, I kept his walking boots out in bedroom and dressing gown hung on bedroom door.
For a long time, I kept his walking boots out in bedroom and dressing gown hung on bedroom door.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
No, I don’t want to avoid being reminded. I never want to forget him.
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
At first, nothing made me feel better. The grief was overwhelming and all consuming.
A dear friend helped me cope - always willing to listen (even when I was repeating myself) and always ready with a tissue for the inevitable tears. My minister also helped. Visited and spoke of my husband and showed enormous compassion, never claiming to have all the answer to my many questions.
Things that made me feel worse would include friends/family not speaking of him, excluding me from plans and sometimes making me feel I should be ‘over it’.
A dear friend helped me cope - always willing to listen (even when I was repeating myself) and always ready with a tissue for the inevitable tears. My minister also helped. Visited and spoke of my husband and showed enormous compassion, never claiming to have all the answer to my many questions.
Things that made me feel worse would include friends/family not speaking of him, excluding me from plans and sometimes making me feel I should be ‘over it’.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
Many have no clue. The thought of many seemed to be to change the subject and everything will be ok. I couldn’t believe at first what had happened and said so (I know I repeated myself) but my sister told me to stop saying it because no one could believe it. The opposite of that was GP who said ‘why would you believe it?’ - the sudden death of someone so apparently fit. Made me feel that it was ok to feel as I did.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I hope it has made me more compassionate and empathetic. I know how it feels to lose a partner and have actively reached out to others in the same situation, which I previously wouldn’t have done.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
The grief over the death of the person you love and thought you would grow old with, surpasses any other. That person is irreplaceable and any other losses, some of which may have seemed important at the time, simply pale into insignificance.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
I naively thought grief would start in a very dark, intense place and then slowly lessen with time. That is such a generality and wrong. It’s so difficult when you feel you’ve been doing ok to then plunge back into the depths of despair. However, that’s what happens.
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
Wide ranging questions which certainly made me think, and can’t think of other aspects to be addressed.
Of particular help to me in the early stages, was meeting others in the same situation (via Way Up). Made any feelings ‘ok’ and people with whom I could not only cry (without embarrassment or having to apologise) but also talk openly and even laugh again, too.
Of particular help to me in the early stages, was meeting others in the same situation (via Way Up). Made any feelings ‘ok’ and people with whom I could not only cry (without embarrassment or having to apologise) but also talk openly and even laugh again, too.