Response

He was 'My Spouse':
Husband, friend, lover, playmate, companion, collaborator, fellow adventurer, partner-in-life, yin to yang, better half, teacher, student, co-worker, driver, navigator... he was my world.

Emotionally detached from everything going on around me. Overly sensitive to social situations for 6 to 7 months during which I did not want to be around others. Initially there were the constant reminders of things done together now being done alone. Grocery shopping was very difficult.
The biggest issue was being alone for hours without contact with others. With no outside distractions I resorted to calling friends and family asking them to simply tell me about their day as a distraction from the nothing going on in my life.
Weekends and nights were the worst as former routines dissolved.
Initially physically/mentally numb to the surrounding world. Things happened around me, but they did not register.
There were many physical issues:
Inability to sleep although exhausted; Sleep remains disrupted, but not as severely as in the first two years. I often wake at 3:30 for up to 2 hours.
Appetite disappeared. Taste was off; food flavors were 'off' or unappealing everything tasted different and unpleasant. Taste returned to more normal after about 9 months. Appetite has not returned to prior enthusiasm for food.
Noise was irritating. I preferred to sit immobile for hours in absolute quiet. Eventually I could tolerate quiet radio then could watch dvds.
For the first two weeks bright light was irritating. Muted light was ok.
I experienced involuntary, uncontrollable, debilitating, panic attacks at just the thought of being away from home overnight would trigger palpitations, trembling, tears and a physical terror. (Day outings, shopping etc posed no issues) These disappeared after 2 years.
Thoughts were fragmented and disjointed. Attention span was non-existent. Normally pragmatic and organized I could not stay focused or on task. Items were frequently misplaced or placed in inappropriate locations (milk in pantry, car keys in fridge)
An avid reader, I lost interest in reading. This interest returned after a few months.
The ability to think clearly and analytically returned about 16 months after my husband's death.
I forced myself to walk daily, but this became a chore and I soon stopped. I resumed walking about a year later when the reminders of joint walks and hikes were less emotionally painful.
There was no interest in going places, doing things or meeting with friends. Emotionally it was too painful. This changed about 16 months after being widowed.
Motivation to tackle projects and chores was non-existent. Handling daily household tasks was about all that was manageable. In retrospect it was done in a bit of a mental fog (see above.)
Self-confidence disappeared with the death of my husband. The slightest challenge would trigger an emotional breakdown. The smallest achievements made a huge impact and slowly rebuilt my self-confidence. Laughing was awkward. It may have happened outwardly, but the joy, the inner pleasure that should accompany laughter is still missing. The true "joie de vivre", that spark that lights one up from within, seems to be extinguished. I hope it rekindles one day...
Initially one looks back at the time spent with the deceased. You cling to the memories and the achievements because that is what you shared together...that is how you keep that person with you.
I treasure my memories but believe I must look forward to succeed in living.

Many do not understand how the death of a life partner rips the survivor's world apart. The expectation that you 'get over' your sorrow in a few weeks or months like you would a cold is appalling. Former friends stopped speaking to me because they believed I was wallowing in my sorrow 6 months after being widowed. Their lack of support indicated how shallow the friendship was and they are not missed. Many of my current friends are people who I have met since the death of my husband - they have only known me as a (young-ish) widow.