Response

Response #
180
Person who died
Husband
Category
Current experience of grief
Respondent details
55-64 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
I was his wife for nearly 31 years and we'd been together for 36 years, since I was 18.
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
Suicide is a very complicated death and because of the added complications and additional processes that have to be followed, I was in shock, hugely angry and I think I operated on auto-pilot for months following his death. I do believe this actually helped me deal with having to liaise with various third parties: the police, the coroner's office, etc as well as dealing with the usual formalities almost in a dispassionate way but conversely I now know it did hamper me from starting the grieving process sooner than I probably should have.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
My own family pretty much without exception has been fantastic, I'm sure I couldn't have coped as I have without their love & support & I can say the same for my own friends. However I can't say the same for my late husband's family or his own circle of friends, in fact I haven't had any contact from the majority of them in the four + years since he died. Because he died at home, although not in the house, the scene immediately following his death was like a circus with passers by, neighbours etc watching the emergency services carrying out what had to be done, so I did find that people who knew us really found it hard to know how to treat me afterwards because of the way in which his death was handled.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
Personally, not a great deal, I'm a realist and accept that life does still goes on. Although I did resent it when I saw other couples together - not necessarily friends but definitely those who looked as if they were soon to be retired and had lots of plans for their future and the plans that we had were never going to be realised. I did and still do, feel cheated of a future I/we will never have.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
Definitely - I am an advocate of living in the moment, not having any sort of grand 5 year plan, because things can change your life in an instant.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
In the early days I was permanently tired, both mentally & physically but as time passed, things did begin to improve.
I also found my concentration was affected to a large degree and I often found myself flitting from one task to another.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
I made a decision not to return to the job I had before my husband's death. The way in which he died and factors related to it, made me take stock of my own situation and it was the right decision for me and I stand by it.
I found I took much longer to complete things, because I would often start something but couldn't see it through from start to finish.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
Yes. As I previously mentioned, the first year of grieving passed by in a blur and I honestly thought I'd cracked it - however along came year 2 and grief really hit me hard. For me, the second year was definitely the hardest to deal with. But from year 3 onwards and at the time of writing (4 years and 3 months into the process), I do feel that I have come to recognise the signs of a grief episode and am learning to live with it knowing that the various feelings will pass until the next time. Also the space in between bouts of grief are becoming longer.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
Occasionally, more so in the early days but not as often now.
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
The usual family celebrations: birthdays, Christmas, get togethers in general, or just always being there
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
My husband loved nature & the only time I would say I felt he might be 'around' was in the Spring of this year and I had a family of robins nesting in my garden and for days whenever I was outside, a robin would come and sit on the fence or close to wherever I happened to be.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
Yes. My dreams quite often feature my husband and they are usually positive dreams and I wake up happy with whatever I can remember of them.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I play lots of music that he liked, his favourite bands etc, especially going back to our early years together.

I also like to smell the aftershave(s), even deodorant he used because it brings back strong memories of him
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
I try to have very little to do with his former colleagues or any references to his place of work
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
Having the support of my family & friends. Maintaining hobbies, doing anything that made me feel like I used to before he died, doing things on my terms & not being pressurised into doing things I didn't want to do
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
In the main people have been very understanding and I've found if anything, people would rather not say anything, than say something & get it wrong.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I have always been someone who can cope with most things and the manner in which my husband died, will for me, be one of the worst, if not the worst thing that I will ever have to deal with. So on this basis, I think I have become a stronger, more resilient person who having never suffered fools gladly, doesn't suffer them at all now.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
Because death is final, it is the worst type of loss because it is impossible to ever have any physical connection with that person ever again.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
N/A
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
No