Response
Response #
179
Person who died
Husband
Category
Current experience of grief
Respondent details
65-74 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My husband
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
His funeral was overwhelming. People had come from all over and there was standing room only in the church. We have a disabled daughter living in residential care . [...] She was driven [...] by her care manager to be at the funeral. She wanted to see her dad. That was very traumatic. It scared her. I was not sure if it was the right thing to do. I was comforted by seeing my husband in the church. He was there smiling, as plain as day. I don’t know what this was but I was not the only person to see him. Others came to me and said they had seen him in the church. Things became very confused afterwards. Money matters were complicated. I was on my own. My husband and I were only children and both our parents, aunts, grandparents had all died during our [...] years of marriage. I had no one to turn to so just had to do the best I could. 6 months after I was told by a new manager at my daughters care home, that she had to leave. ... I had to hand over the care of my daughter to her brother as I was then diagnosed with cancer. Five years after treatment I then felt all the weight of grief. I knew it was delayed reaction as I had been strong for so long for my children, that I hadn’t had time to miss my husband. Now [...], I am about to take the next step in my life. I am moving away from the family home of 30 years and moving [...] to be near my children .
I have very mixed emotions as this home was where we shared all our good and bad times together but it is the right time to look forward to a new life with a smile on my face knowing that husband will be with me wherever I go.
I have very mixed emotions as this home was where we shared all our good and bad times together but it is the right time to look forward to a new life with a smile on my face knowing that husband will be with me wherever I go.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
Two of my best friends (both widows) had what could only be described as breakdowns. They both abandoned me. I was unable to support them as I had too much going on in my life.
I believe money was also an issue. Luckily ? we were “ comfortable “ because of losing our parents. Catty remarks were made. One is now no longer my friend, the other stepped up and helped me through my cancer treatment. My husbands boss and my boss were amazingly supportive and that continues today. We are more like friends. My close neighbours were amazing helping firstly with the funeral arrangements and also my cancer treatment. Other more casual friends are still around and I have good relationships with them on a less complex level so would not be hurt by their insensitivity. I gave up all my voluntary jobs as I was completely empty. I had nothing left to give.
Counselling didn’t help but a online bereavement group became my support. I have made many new friends (all widows and widowers) who “ just get it”.
I believe money was also an issue. Luckily ? we were “ comfortable “ because of losing our parents. Catty remarks were made. One is now no longer my friend, the other stepped up and helped me through my cancer treatment. My husbands boss and my boss were amazingly supportive and that continues today. We are more like friends. My close neighbours were amazing helping firstly with the funeral arrangements and also my cancer treatment. Other more casual friends are still around and I have good relationships with them on a less complex level so would not be hurt by their insensitivity. I gave up all my voluntary jobs as I was completely empty. I had nothing left to give.
Counselling didn’t help but a online bereavement group became my support. I have made many new friends (all widows and widowers) who “ just get it”.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
Absolutely. Kept forgetting things. Had to change all the curtains in the house and move to a different bedroom .
Had to keep travelling away...anywhere . Wandered around shopping centres aimlessly. Anything to be out of the house. Was angry with everything and everyone but tried not to show it
Had to keep travelling away...anywhere . Wandered around shopping centres aimlessly. Anything to be out of the house. Was angry with everything and everyone but tried not to show it
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
Time seems to be passing very quickly. But sometimes it doesn’t really matter at all.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
During my husbands illness I had an amazing amount of energy. Just kept on going day after day. A week after his funeral I felt exceedingly tired. It was like walking through treacle. I ached all over. I could never seem to get enough sleep.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
I stopped work. I was lucky that my job was kept open for 12 months but I couldn’t go back to it. I was not able to concentrate and had feeling of impatience that I was scared may have become difficult with the work I was involved with.
I found cooking for one very hard and lonely. I still never eat at table on my own
I found cooking for one very hard and lonely. I still never eat at table on my own
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
After 5 years, I became more peaceful. I still miss my husband and shed tears on anniversaries I only have my 2 children in my family so we all have to be strong otherwise life would not be worth living. But it is... new friends can be made, new experience tried and life is good.
One never loses the feeling of being cheated of the time that could have been shared with a husband or wife but it cannot be changed so it is best to look “on the bright side of life" [...]
One never loses the feeling of being cheated of the time that could have been shared with a husband or wife but it cannot be changed so it is best to look “on the bright side of life" [...]
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
He is always with me...as are my Mum and Dad
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
I missed him at my sons wedding and my grandsons birth. So hard
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
When I was diagnosed with cancer, I awoke one night to feel my husband in my bed telling me things were going to be ok. He was in the church at his funeral as I have mentioned before
I was dreaming one night and he was walking away from me. I awoke crying. I have had these kind of experiences since I was a young child.
I was dreaming one night and he was walking away from me. I awoke crying. I have had these kind of experiences since I was a young child.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
Yes we still have this connection. It is like a deep inner peacefulness giving strength and love.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I do not feel the need to do this. They are with me always
For many years I attended a Christian Spiritualist Church. I have trained as a spiritual healer. I have been to spiritual “shows” with friends but my spirituality is private. I do not need this. I do not share this belief with anyone. It can be ridiculed. Many of my family had spiritual beliefs so it is not new to me.
For many years I attended a Christian Spiritualist Church. I have trained as a spiritual healer. I have been to spiritual “shows” with friends but my spirituality is private. I do not need this. I do not share this belief with anyone. It can be ridiculed. Many of my family had spiritual beliefs so it is not new to me.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
No
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
Mediation and music helps in bad moments.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
I find my group of widows and widowers a great help. We laugh, we cry, we rant and rage and go on holidays together. There is no need for any pretence so we enjoy each other’s company. I have a group of schoolfriends (of 60 years) and they have been supportive over the years
I smile when divorced friends say they know how you feel.
I smile when divorced friends say they know how you feel.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
No
My best school friend would also agree
My best school friend would also agree
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
I had previously lost all my family so the death of my husband left me entirely on my own. The lone responsibility is quite daunting but it is what it is.
Life is finite so I just enjoy every moment I have and try not to worry about the future . It will be what it will be. I don’t feel I have control over many things (like the current COVID crisis) so I shall try and stay as healthy and safe as possible and use technology to continue learning. [...] My daughter is trapped inside a dysfunctional body. I love her to bits but cry for the person she could have been and am scared that I cannot protect her from the world around her where she is so vulnerable. My husband shared these feelings. Only parents of disabled children can understand.
Life is finite so I just enjoy every moment I have and try not to worry about the future . It will be what it will be. I don’t feel I have control over many things (like the current COVID crisis) so I shall try and stay as healthy and safe as possible and use technology to continue learning. [...] My daughter is trapped inside a dysfunctional body. I love her to bits but cry for the person she could have been and am scared that I cannot protect her from the world around her where she is so vulnerable. My husband shared these feelings. Only parents of disabled children can understand.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
Only that it is a deep yearning for another part of you that needs to be needed.
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
The unsettling thing I have found through my experiences is that there is not enough of the right support for young people losing a parent. Probably from the age of 5 to 25. Parents struggle to talk to their children at a time when they are grieving my son [...] has only now started to talk about how he feels [...]
Other friends I know have struggle particularly with teenage children. More needs to be done to help support our young people.
Other friends I know have struggle particularly with teenage children. More needs to be done to help support our young people.