Response
Response #
178
Person who died
Husband
Category
Current experience of grief
Respondent details
45-54 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My husband died a year ago: we had been together for 33 years, since I was 19. We had a very strong and happy marriage, and I was heart-broken when he died, and have been every day since.
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
Immediately following R's death, I felt a sense of relief: it had been hideous watching this strong, capable, funny, wise, intelligent man become a shadow of his former self, unable to do anything, just become sadder and sadder. So I was glad his pain was over (he wasn't in physical pain, just mental torture) and I didn't have to watch him suffer any longer. I was also exhausted from being a full-time carer for a year, with little sleep, so I was glad that was over.
I have good people in my life who I can talk to, and who support me. But it has still been a struggle. I take things day by day. I cry every day. Everything reminds me of him, and this pains me, but I would hate the opposite (i.e., not to be reminded of him). I am devastated and don't really know how to fill my days. Lockdown has made everything a million times worse: it has prevented me from doing all the things that were helping me through my grief.
To start with, the only R I had in my head was the sad disabled man near the end, and that was heartbreaking to think about. Very gradually, I started remembering the Old R, but I'm not sure that is less painful to be honest.
R's death has changed me- I am older, sadder, wiser. I am worried about getting older alone, about dying alone. I miss being adored and cherished. I feel less than half the person I did before. I think about legacy, which I never did before. I want my life to be purposeful, but don't feel strong enough or ready to make any decisions. I hope I will one day. I thought a year would make a difference, but although some days are better than others, I don't think I feel any better. I will always be sad. I will always miss him desperately. Although I try to find nice things to do, I am joyless.
I have good people in my life who I can talk to, and who support me. But it has still been a struggle. I take things day by day. I cry every day. Everything reminds me of him, and this pains me, but I would hate the opposite (i.e., not to be reminded of him). I am devastated and don't really know how to fill my days. Lockdown has made everything a million times worse: it has prevented me from doing all the things that were helping me through my grief.
To start with, the only R I had in my head was the sad disabled man near the end, and that was heartbreaking to think about. Very gradually, I started remembering the Old R, but I'm not sure that is less painful to be honest.
R's death has changed me- I am older, sadder, wiser. I am worried about getting older alone, about dying alone. I miss being adored and cherished. I feel less than half the person I did before. I think about legacy, which I never did before. I want my life to be purposeful, but don't feel strong enough or ready to make any decisions. I hope I will one day. I thought a year would make a difference, but although some days are better than others, I don't think I feel any better. I will always be sad. I will always miss him desperately. Although I try to find nice things to do, I am joyless.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
Some relationships have grown stronger, some have withered away. I am a relatively young widow, and have no friends who have experienced what I am going through, and feel quite alone because of this. Some people try, and get it wrong, but at least they try. Some don't bother at all - I find that upsetting. I have been really disappointed by certain people who should have been there for me but weren't - I will never forgive them. But others have been totally amazing, and I'll certainly never forget that.
I'm worried that I now sometimes rely on my children for emotional support. I don't like this new phenomenon. I hope I can be a proper mum again one day.
I look at other couples and wonder which one of them is going to die first.
And I feel glad that I will be able to understand and support my friends one day if they need me.
I'm worried that I now sometimes rely on my children for emotional support. I don't like this new phenomenon. I hope I can be a proper mum again one day.
I look at other couples and wonder which one of them is going to die first.
And I feel glad that I will be able to understand and support my friends one day if they need me.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
The whole world is strange at the moment, so this is a difficult question to answer .
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
I don't think so.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
My sleep patterns are erratic.
I have felt exhausted at times.
My bereavement hit me at the same time as my menopause (really helpful- thanks for that!), so who knows?
I have felt exhausted at times.
My bereavement hit me at the same time as my menopause (really helpful- thanks for that!), so who knows?
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
Luckily I don't have to work for financial reasons for a while. I am very relieved about this, because I am tired, very forgetful, can't concentrate, don't listen to people properly, have little motivation, get bored easily, and have no patience with idiots.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
I am still just as heart-broken. I still miss him just as much. Sometimes I think it's getting a bit easier, but then I'll have a bad day. I feel particularly low at the moment, at the first year anniversary of his death. The longer time goes on, the further away he feels, and that pains me too.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
No. I know he's dead.
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
Our wedding anniversary was unexpectedly horrid. We'd never even made a big thing about anniversaries before either.
I don't enjoy going to the pub without him- there's a big gap at the table.
When the children have had good, big successes (e.g., uni graduation) it breaks my heart that he isn't there to share the joy. Conversely, when there are problems, I miss his wisdom and advice.
There are special places we visited together- I am very aware of his absence when I am there, and I seek these places out to remember him.
I can't imagine having Xmas at home for the foreseeable future.
I don't enjoy going to the pub without him- there's a big gap at the table.
When the children have had good, big successes (e.g., uni graduation) it breaks my heart that he isn't there to share the joy. Conversely, when there are problems, I miss his wisdom and advice.
There are special places we visited together- I am very aware of his absence when I am there, and I seek these places out to remember him.
I can't imagine having Xmas at home for the foreseeable future.
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
Not really
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
He will always be part of my life, and part of me. He helped shape me and we grew up together. He was the most important person in my life for 33 years, and always will be. We each knew what the other was thinking or how we would react. So I will always be connected to him.
I talk to him all the time, even though I know he isn't there (possibly because I'm lonely and I sometimes need to hear a human voice ?!) but I feel the need to tell him things. It comforts me.
I talk to him all the time, even though I know he isn't there (possibly because I'm lonely and I sometimes need to hear a human voice ?!) but I feel the need to tell him things. It comforts me.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I wear his wedding ring around my neck. I have photos of him round the house.
I visit places that he loved.
I visit places that he loved.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
Not sure
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
These things help me cope better
1. Poetry
2. Making stuff - drawing/ crochet/craft
3. Walking/ being outside in the countryside
4. Playing the piano
5. Getting a good night's sleep
6. Doing useful stuff/ kind deeds
7. Being with my children
8. Massages - I miss being touched
9. Keeping busy, not sitting around weeping all day
10. Reading lots of books about grief/ other people's experiences
Worse:
1. Alcohol. You think it will help but it doesn't
2. Not sleeping- aagh!
3. Particular songs. I still can't listen to 'our' songs. 4. Lockdown - lack of human contact with others
1. Poetry
2. Making stuff - drawing/ crochet/craft
3. Walking/ being outside in the countryside
4. Playing the piano
5. Getting a good night's sleep
6. Doing useful stuff/ kind deeds
7. Being with my children
8. Massages - I miss being touched
9. Keeping busy, not sitting around weeping all day
10. Reading lots of books about grief/ other people's experiences
Worse:
1. Alcohol. You think it will help but it doesn't
2. Not sleeping- aagh!
3. Particular songs. I still can't listen to 'our' songs. 4. Lockdown - lack of human contact with others
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
Where to start?! Some people are great, some less so.
Helpful:
1.friends who check in with me regularly, even just a quick text - this makes me feel less alone, less unloved, less unimportant
2. people listening/ offering an ear
3. friends spending time with me doing nice things they know I will like,
Unhelpful:
1 At the funeral, several people said 'let me know if I can do anything', and then I've heard nothing from them since. 2.people moaning about their relationships - seriously??!!
3. people trying to compare my grief to the loss of an elderly parent, or even a break-up. So insensitive. (I do sometimes tell them!)
I was particularly disappointed with the chaplain at the hospice. I had a couple of counselling sessions with her, and then Lockdown happened and I've not heard a word from her since. This surprises and saddens me.
Helpful:
1.friends who check in with me regularly, even just a quick text - this makes me feel less alone, less unloved, less unimportant
2. people listening/ offering an ear
3. friends spending time with me doing nice things they know I will like,
Unhelpful:
1 At the funeral, several people said 'let me know if I can do anything', and then I've heard nothing from them since. 2.people moaning about their relationships - seriously??!!
3. people trying to compare my grief to the loss of an elderly parent, or even a break-up. So insensitive. (I do sometimes tell them!)
I was particularly disappointed with the chaplain at the hospice. I had a couple of counselling sessions with her, and then Lockdown happened and I've not heard a word from her since. This surprises and saddens me.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I think I have both become less tolerant of other people's problems (don't talk to me about your poorly knee - if it's not life-threatening, I'm really not interested!), and at the same time more empathetic/kinder to people I perceive to be in real need.
It's made me even more atheistic . Most of the 'Christians' in my life have been useless, and those without religion have been generally brilliant.
I speak my mind even more. I don't care what people think about me.
I think more about legacy , and finding something purposeful to do with the rest of my life.
I used to be a happy person who enjoyed having fun. I don't feel this way any more. I am just extremely sad now.
It's made me even more atheistic . Most of the 'Christians' in my life have been useless, and those without religion have been generally brilliant.
I speak my mind even more. I don't care what people think about me.
I think more about legacy , and finding something purposeful to do with the rest of my life.
I used to be a happy person who enjoyed having fun. I don't feel this way any more. I am just extremely sad now.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
I have never experienced the loss of a person close to me before. Other losses have made me feel sad, but I've quickly moved on. Those people very occasionally cross my mind, but this loss is something else entirely- R is on my mind every minute of every day.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
I know he is gone, but I am sometimes flabbergasted by this possibility- how can it be true that I will never see him again?
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
Before R's death, I was already grieving - for the life that we wouldn't be able to share any more, for a future of retirement and time together and possible grandchildren. We grieved together in a way, and that too was a dreadful time.