Response
Response #
175
Person who died
Husband
Category
Current experience of grief
Respondent details
55-64 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My husband
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
I feel I am only now starting to return to the person I once was, I know I will never be the same as the experience of his death and the grief following his loss has so profoundly impacted me, I feel I am actually a different person now, not just a shadow of my former self. I try hard to find joy in things and am grateful for my family who are a great source of comfort.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
I have been so fortunate with my family and friends who have supported me throughout their own grief, (he was a very well loved man). My sister especially has been there for me at every hour that I have needed her. I have always been close to her and no more so than now. Her and her husband are amazing and live only 20 mins from me. My daughters too are very supportive and for that I am grateful as they are struggling themselves with the loss of their Dad. My friends on the whole have also been around for me, but it is hard when they are all still part of a couple and they return to their own lives whereas I will always be the 3rd or 5th person at the table. His loss at those times feels so glaring, but I try to continue to socialise with friends as I know he would want me to.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
Yes. It seems trivial and pointless. I feel I am just going through the motions of living as the joy has been drained out of it.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
Yes. I feel I am a different person now in every respect. I used to think in the early stages that I was just a shadow of my previous self and that in time the way I was would return. I was very outgoing and loved to socialise, I now realise that the experience of his diagnosis and loss has actually impacted so much, that I am now a different person. I still see friends and family and go out for meals and holidays , but I am different now. The joy of life is 'flatter' somehow.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
Not really, except I had never experienced such feelings of panic and anxiety, it has made me more empathetic to others in that respect as I used to think you just have to 'man up' and face problems. I hadn't really appreciated how overwhelming a panic attack can be. Never having had any issues of that nature before.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
I work part time and my manager and colleagues/friends were amazing, I was off for a few weeks and when I returned I was useless. I cried in cupboards and often couldn't face the simplest of tasks. They were so supportive as I work in a public facing environment and they often tried to shield me from things if they could see I was getting upset. I couldn't have returned to work without their support.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
No the pain is still very raw, but I have now perfected a smile that masks how I am really feeling at least until I get home. I can then let the grief wash over me and I feel better again.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
In the first few weeks I fooled myself into thinking he was at work, or in the shower and I tortured myself expecting him to walk back in. But I always knew I was just dreaming and it wasn't real
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
Not really. He is constantly in my thoughts and small things trigger a memory that can still overwhelm me.
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
I have experienced a yearning which is a feeling I cannot explain, but not a presence in any way.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
I feel a constant connection, I talk openly about him to my family and friends about how he would feel in certain situations. I think to myself what would E have done /said etc. I like it that we can all talk openly about him as I feel it keeps memories of him alive.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
No, I was with him from the age of 16yrs together 42 yrs, married 36yrs, so he is still a massive part of my life and I feel close to him all the time
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
I don't want to avoid being reminded of him, but I do try to block out the actual hours surrounding his death which was horrendous. I try to look past that to our happy life.
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
My sister, daughters, friends have all been fantastic to me. In the beginning I would dread meeting someone who was not aware he had died. He was 59 yrs old, very well known locally and well loved and people would approach me when I was out to say they hadn't seen him around. I found this very hard to cope with and would often just burst into tears or walk away, and so to combat that I would only go out with a friend or family member so I could leave them to explain whilst I walk off. I am fine to go out alone now even though this situation does still occasionally happen, I can deal with it now.
Sometimes people can still be a bit insensitive but life has returned to normal for them, and they don't mean anything by it. I am able to just dismiss things now much better than when I was first bereaved.
Sometimes people can still be a bit insensitive but life has returned to normal for them, and they don't mean anything by it. I am able to just dismiss things now much better than when I was first bereaved.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
People in general have been really good, although they do usually compare my loss to the loss of a parent or even dog?? I have experienced the loss of both parents and I can guarantee you that loss of a spouse is nothing like that.
A friend of a friend suggested I come and use her hot tub a week after he died as that would help me? I actually laugh about that now, I'm sure she was just trying to be helpful.
A friend of a friend suggested I come and use her hot tub a week after he died as that would help me? I actually laugh about that now, I'm sure she was just trying to be helpful.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I am a different person now. I don't laugh as much, I am less tolerant, but I also cherish my family and friends more than ever.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
It is like nothing else I have ever come close to experiencing.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
The physical aching and yearning for his company is indescribable.
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
I think your questions have made me really think about my future, which looks long and lonely at the moment, even though I am surrounded by people who love me, I am still lonely in a crowd.