Response

Response #

173

Person who died

Husband

Category

Current experience of grief

Respondent details

55-64 | Female | British

Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?

My husband

Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?

I cry a lot and unexpectedly I drink too much
I have had two panic attacks
My appearance has changed, I look haggard and ill
I struggle with simple tasks such as banking, renewing insurance policies
I struggle to express myself verbally
I worry and become over anxious about the present and future
I either sleep too much or not enough, sleep doesn’t refresh me

Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?

Some I have grown closer to, others more distant

Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?

We have been in lockdown and then local lockdown from 2 weeks before my husband died so the world is a very unfamiliar place

Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?

The days seems very, very long and difficult to fill and yet the 6 months since H died have passed very quickly

Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?

I look awful. I have aged 10 years

Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?

Yes
I can’t be bothered to cook and clean
I become obsessed with my financial situation but struggle to make the necessary decisions
I’ve thrown myself into hard, physical work in the garden even though I never have before

Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?

It doesn’t feel so raw and intense now
I have brief moments of hope in the future

Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?

Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?

Yes
Family celebrations
Watching certain tv programmes
Reading a news article that would have interested H
Hearing news of friends that I can’t share with him
Struggling to remember something from the past and not being able to ask him
Photographs that come up on phones and pads as memories from a certain day

Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?

Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?

Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?

Putting flowers in the bedroom
Keeping his phone and pad charged
Wearing his t shirts
Attending to the garden
Following our plans for the garden and house

Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?

I avoid photographs and reading my diary from previous years

Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?

Family being as upset as me at his loss has helped
Friends being supportive and helpful in a practical way has helped
Family and friends realising when a particular day will be painful and remembering special events has helped
Speaking on the phone to a trained counsellor has helped

Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?

Very understanding at first then some have assumed after six months I must be over it. The ones who realise I’ll never be over it are the most helpful

Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?

I feel smaller, like I have less to offer my family. I’m a burden to them now rather than a support

Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?

I have lost both parents, a brother and a sister, their loss was painful but it felt like it was happening within my life but the loss of my husband has ended my life and future as I understood and expected it to be

Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?

How I can feel calm and almost positive one minute and then be drowning in pain and anxiety the next. It’s unpredictability. The fact you don’t make progress, it fades and then bursts back through worse than ever

Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?

Because of Covid we have been denied the rituals and processes that are important to dealing with the loss of a loved one