Response

Response #
172
Person who died
Spouse
Category
Current experience of grief
Respondent details
65-74 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My spouse, friend, partner, lover, mentor, mentee, companion, everything.
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
The first 18 months I had a physical and mental breakdown. I had to give up work. I felt lost, alone.
I still do but the edges of pain are now softened. I think of him every day several times, I feel incomplete without him. I’m crying as I type this
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
Not a great deal. At the beginning several friends just dropped away but I guess they were no loss
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
No
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
I’m not sure what this means? Has it changed with time? Yes. Not so raw
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
Yes.
Your heart does literally ache. I didn’t know that.
I’ve developed severe vertigo.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
Yes.
I had a high powered job in [place name], I could travel, vertigo, I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t stop crying. I drank too much. I was desolate.
I took early retirement
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
As above. It’s still there. It’s less raw but I still miss him so much. I miss him every day, more, every hour.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
Yes.
I’ve seen him walk up the garden.
I’ve dreamed of him.
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
Just this world, it’s empty without him
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
Yes.
I saw him walk up the garden. Clear as day, and it was day.
Otherwise no.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
I have had, not recently, some extremely real dreams.
In them we are conversing, I feel so grateful when I “ see” him
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I have his pictures up. I wear a necklace with his ashes, I have his ashes with me.
I love a chance to talk about him.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
No. I like to think of him
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
Not really.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
Most people are ok
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
It’s hard to see yourself. I’ve had to become independent.
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
It’s the only loss that matters
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
It’s made me very questioning of spirituality.
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?
I don’t think it’s possible to put into words the hurt you feel.