Response

Response #
166
Person who died
Mother
Category
Past experience of grief
Respondent details
35-44 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My mother
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
Shock to begin with, and disbelief that I would never see her again, especially at such a young age, when you have little experience or understanding of death. Then quite quickly a feeling of needing to look forward and think about good things that could happen in the future because the current was too awful to contemplate.
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
At school, I felt different to everyone else and I hated the feeling of being the odd one out. I was starting puberty and found it very difficult because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I couldn't approach my dad and brother with questions. I think my dad found it all very awkward and I struggled with puberty and having to go out and buy my own sanitary products.
As a teenager I felt very envious of my friends relationships with their mothers and as an adult I have probably maintained a degree of independence and being reserved with people because I don't want to fully open myself up to getting hurt.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
To begin with, maybe a bit frivolous compared to what I'd just been through. Over the longer term, I definitely really appreciate now the things that I have and the beauty of nature around me. I feel very grateful for my family, friends, home, and health.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
No, not that I can remember
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
I worried about every change to my body. I worried that it might signal illness and I would die too.
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
No, but I was a child. I think it would be different as an adult
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
Yes, as time goes by it gets easier and you get used to the change. You develop a new normal and start to appreciate the good things that you have again and you realise that there are other people who have experienced similar situations and you are not alone, someone else understands.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
No, apart from very soon after she died when I momentarily forgot and thought she would be picking me up from school. I had dreams where she appeared though.
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
At important life events like my wedding and when my children were born.
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
Not really apart from things that could be coincidences like the sun beaming down strongly on my wedding day and the days when my children were born.
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
I don't think so, not in a spiritual way although I would like to
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
I think of her sometimes when the sun is shining down and it is a significant day like a birthday or anniversary. I have her jewellery and a locket with a photo of her in which i keep. I have her handwritten recipes that I keep.
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
I feel a bit weird about wearing her jewellery which I know doesn't make sense. I think there is a fear that I will get ill too. Her illness was cruel and I saw how it ravaged her body and those memories are still clear and very upsetting.
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
Looking forward and thinking about all the things I was going to do and appreciate in the future. Acceptance.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
In my family, it was very much something that we just got on with because that was the only way. The thing I found most helpful was people just talking to me normally and not trying to be careful around me. I didn't want to feel singled out, and I hated going in the funeral car. I felt like I was being paraded for everyone to stare at and feel sorry for me.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
I think it made me a bit withdrawn and afraid to open myself up to love and experiences for fear of being hurt.
I think it also made me more mindful and patient and appreciative of all the good things in life
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
I guess I'm stronger with other forms of loss because I know much worse things could happen so I feel able to cope well.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
I don't think so
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?