Response

Response #

164

Person who died

Friend

Category

Current experience of grief

Respondent details

45-54 | Female | British

Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?

She was my very dear friend.

Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?

It left a huge hole in my life - initially it was incomprehensible, too much to understand, and I felt as though I might be consumed by the grief. I would have swapped years of my life for hers. I have learned to live with it but still sometimes am hit by it sharply or even overwhelmingly on remembering the loss.

Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?

I felt closer to those who showed understanding - those who did not recognise or admit my grief saddened me and the gulf of understanding made me feel lastingly distanced from them

Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?

Everything seemed less important and sometimes pointless. It's left me with lasting questions about my priorities. In the earlier stages of grief, experiencing beauty or affection seemed almost a betrayal, and I longed to be able to share the moment with them. Now I still regret not having made more time for such a dear friend.

Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?

Time seemed to stretch unbearably and agonizingly at first. It made me think about the last moments with her, and fear she had experienced pain that had made her sense of time unbearably long too.

Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?

The pain of grief chokes my throat and my heart does hurt with the pain of loss

Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?

I have kept going and work can be a comfort but its meaning is lessened. Also I realise I have spent too much time on work, which was not always the most important thing - I still need to rethink my priorities.

Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?

Grief feels endless at first - then learning to live with it feels like a betrayal itself - I wish I had used the time I had better to make her happier and know I need to learn from this to help and support my living friends better.

Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?

Yes, or calling her name. Time suddenly feels oddly circular and as though your instinct needs to catch up with your knowledge.

Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?

Places we enjoyed together will always have memories of her - suddenly for no apparent reason they will come to mind, other times there are obvious reasons for her to be called to mind, such as seeing a likeness or reading her name

Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?

Sadly not

Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?

I will always love her and be grateful for her presence in my life

Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?

I think of her on our former walks. I celebrate her memory by remembering her fondly and gratefully.

Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?

Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?

Donating to charity in her memory. Enjoying the places we went together again. I feel agonised when I think of her final illness and how I feel I let her down, how helpless we are in the face of mortality, how I really wish I had worked a bit less and spent more time with her while I could.

Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?

I prefer not to speak of my grief, especially with those who were unsympathetic or too busy to take notice when she died.

Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?

It has given me a greater compassion for fellow sufferers. It has challenged me to rethink my priorities. It has provided a long perspective on small passing problems.

Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?

It forces you to think about how you spend your life, about what your spend your own life doing.

Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?

The sense of circularity and the rawness of the pain that can sometimes come from seemingly nowhere. The lasting anguish of longing to have done things differently, to have helped better or to have made them feel more loved. It diminishes on a daily level but can still overwhelm years later.

Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?

No. This has been a sad questionnaire to answer, but a useful reminder to learn from my losses - there have been several important deaths in my life in the last decade - and try to do better by those I love who still live now.