Response

Response #

162

Person who died

Grandmother

Category

Current experience of grief

Respondent details

35-44 | Female | British

Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?

My maternal Grandma

Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?

Lack of interest in things, not sleeping very well, just going through the motions waiting for the funeral and anger that my mum isn't here (she died two years before my grandma).

Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?

I'm patient until someone says something that pushes my buttons. I feel like I'm mindful of my family's feelings but don't always get the same in return and get more support from my partner and friends. My partner hasn't been included on the list of attendees at the funeral even though there's enough space for him and I'd like him to have the option to attend, but haven't been told why he's not invited.

Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?

I heard someone talk about grief like you're stuck in treacle - I feel like the world around me is moving very fast but I'm stuck in the sticky stuff.

Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?

Time doesn't mean anything at the moment, I structure the day around meals and today is my first day back at work but it seems like a long day ahead of me.

Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?

Headaches, diarrhoea, sore throat, general numbness and heartache

Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?

First day back at work today, so a bit too soon to tell. I'm thinking about taking the rest of the week off until we've had the funeral as I'm at my grandma's and struggling to concentrate/things seem trivial in the context of the rest of life.

Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?

I feel like the numbness is wearing off and I'm only just starting to grieve, I still have to remind myself that I'm not going to see her again.

Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?

Yes as I'm staying at her house at the moment

Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?

Sitting down for dinner in her usual place at the table

Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?

Yes, bumps/noises in the house (walking stick falling over but nobody had touched it). On the day my grandma died I could smell my mum's perfume

Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?

I know that my grandma wanted us to remember her as alive and so that is what I will try and do

Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?

Keeping some of the routines she had

Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?

Not that I can think of

Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?

My friends have helped a lot, I feel like when I try and explain to my family how I feel that their emotions then try to influence how I feel and I just want space to feel however I'm feeling

Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?

She was 94 but there's never a right time to go and all of the talk of "she had a good innings" reminds me that my mum didn't (she died at 65). People don't mean to, but sometimes they say/do things that are hurtful. My partner has likened my situation to family Christmas - take physical and emotional time away from other people when you can.

Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?

Too soon to tell, I know that the death of my mum means I am more uncertain about having children myself

Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?

It's a bit like grieving for my mum all over again and the loss of my grandma is another connection to my mum that I've lost

Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?

No, I think grief is different for everyone and there's no right or wrong way to deal with things.

Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?

I think I've covered most things, I think that the return to work is often the hardest and is particularly challenging because of covid. There's nobody else in the room to see if I'm starting to cry about things, but I don't know at the moment if that's good or bad. The other thing that I perhaps forgot to mention is that although my grandma did not have covid, there was covid on the ward and so visiting her in her final days put me and my aunty at high risk which was another level of anxiety we had to deal with.