Response

Response #
15
Person who died
Father
Category
Current experience of grief
Respondent details
55-64 | Female | British
Q1: What was the nature of your relationship with the person who died?
My father
Q2: How has the person’s death affected you during the hours, days, and weeks that followed?
It has been difficult to process. We did not have a good relationship (although I am not saying that it was all bad). When I was younger, dad was very authoritarian, what he said went, with regard to everything. He was also physically violent to me and my mother. Although I felt compassion for him and my wider family, I did not feel loss
Q3: How, if at all, have your relationships with other people (particular individuals and other people in general) been affected by the bereavement?
This relationship has been difficult too. I feel compassion for my mother as she has lost her husband, and I try to do as much as I can for her. But I don't feel that I can be fully with her as I feel I can't be open with her about my feelings. Then again I guess I never could.
Q4: Does the surrounding world seem any different to you while grieving? If so, how?
A lot of the stuff that goes on in the world seems pointless, immaterial like it doesn't really matter.
Q5: Has your experience of time changed in any way?
It has made me acutely aware of the importance of the relationship that I have with my children. But that had started prior to his death.
Q6: Has your body felt any different during grief?
No
Q7: Has grief interfered in any way with your ability and motivation to perform various tasks, including paid work?
I find it more difficult to engage with things or people that I find 'trivial ' (in my opinion). I also find it harder to be assertive and resilient.
Q8: Is your experience of grief changing over time? If so, how?
I am becoming more resilient now. I am also more willing to sit with my issues rather than try to push them away.
Q9: Have you ever found yourself looking for the person who died or expecting that person to appear?
No
Q10: Are there times, places, and occasions that have made you especially aware of the person’s absence?
No
Q11: People who are grieving often report experiencing the presence of the person who died. Have you had any experiences that you would describe in those terms?
No
Q12: Do you still feel a sense of connection with the person? If so, could you say something about when you feel this and what the experience is like?
Not with my father.
However I lost my father in law a week after. I was closer to him. Sometimes in his house I have a sense of him still being there, especially in his chair. The experience feels comforting and reassuring.
Q13: Since the person died, is there anything that you have been doing in order to feel close to them?
No
Q14: Is there anything that you do in order to avoid being reminded of the person or of their death?
No
Q15: Has anything in particular helped you to cope with grief? Has anything made you feel better or worse?
Not particularly, I needed to take time off, I felt that this was an inconvenience, no one actually said anything so this could have been my interpretation of events.
Q16: How understanding have other people been? Have others said or done anything that you've found especially helpful or unhelpful?
One colleague who had recently experienced loss was really understanding. We kept in touch remotely.
Q17: How, if at all, has your experience of bereavement changed you as a person?
No
Q18: How, if at all, does grief over the death of a person differ from other forms of loss that you have experienced?
Not applicable.
Q19: Are there any aspects of grief that you find particularly puzzling or difficult to put into words?
This grief was different, it wasn't the grief of someone I yearned for.
It's not talked about, it's pushed under the carpet like a dirty secret. It feels like it can't be shared because everyone else is in proper grief, the grief where you long for your lost love one. So this grief is silent, isolating, guilt-ridden?
But if the personal is universal why is this grief not out there, why is its name not spoken?
Q20: Are there any important aspects of your experience that we have not addressed?